Hi again, everyone! What we have here is me *almost* MSTing the Movie. Why
almost? Because back when I wrote this, I only knew a bit about MST3K, and
didn't feel ready to handle the characters. So, instead, I've used the
same idea of ribbing the film, but with four different characters: The
local performers Recycled Virgins. These are: Ratbat (ie, me), Euan (seen
around the group as the Dread Pirate Bowen), Bobbi (Euan's SO) and
Graham. Don't worry, you'll get used to them soon enough.
Anyway, I'll shut up and let the humour (I hope) play:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
RECYCLED VIRGINS THEATRE 999
by Urac Sigma
Linking script © Urac Sigma 1996
- The Transformers - The Movie -
CAST OF CHARACTERS
EUAN BOWEN
The virgin
BOBBI SCHOLES
The confused young woman
GRAHAM HENSTOCK
The freak
URAC 'RATBAT' SIGMA
The Eurodyke
and...
THE ENTIRE HASBRO/MARVEL-COPYRIGHTED CAST OF THE TRANSFORMERS - THE MOVIE
1. INT. THE WALLBANGER. NIGHT.
<'The Wallbanger' being my generic description of an RV
Enterprises HQ for these self-indulgent scripts. Graham, Bobbi
and Ratbat are here, playing Trivial Pursuit. Graham asks
Bobbi a question.>
= GRAHAM <Reads>: Who wrote The Man in the Iron Mask?
= BOBBI: Alexandre Dumas.
<Graham checks.>
= GRAHAM: Yeah...how did you know that?
= BOBBI: I made it up!
= GRAHAM: Uh. Your go.
<Bobbi rolls and moves.>
= RATBAT: Who's getting the video in tonight?
= GRAHAM: Euan.
= RATBAT: Oh. If he chooses something crap, can I kill him and take
his job?
= BOBBI: What's wrong with your job?
= RATBAT: Nothing. I want two jobs!
<Euan enters.>
= EUAN: Well, you're not getting mine, WonderBra.
= RATBAT: I was actually going to sell it to someone in a bar.
= GRAHAM: Oh, yeah? What'd you pick?
<Euan hands him a video.>
= RATBAT: OoOoooohhhh!
= GRAHAM: Coolie.
= BOBBI: Have I seen that?
= EUAN: Yes.
= BOBBI: Do I like it?
= EUAN: You don't remember.
= GRAHAM: Is there a drinking game for this one?
= RATBAT: No. But we get to talk a lot.
= GRAHAM: Ah...
<Euan puts it on:>
THE TRANSFORMERS - THE MOVIE
Shot of space, we see a binary star system, close up of Unicron
moving into view between the two stars. Change to shot of planet,
various views on planet.
= BOBBI: Why are their bottoms glowing?
Cut to two robots walking along corridor.
They enter a lab and a third robot takes some beakers from them
and places them on table, the shake and fall on the ground
breaking apart.
KRANIX: Arblus, look! It's Unicron!
Unicron starts to eat the planet.
= RATBAT: They learnt enough about the thing to recognise it on sight
and they still live on the planet close enough to do it from?
KRANIX: The ships! Get to the ships, it's our only chance!
Robots run to ships, two launch, one is sucked back into Unicron.
ARBLUS: Kranix! AAAARGH!!!
Views of Unicron digesting planet and powering up.
= EUAN & RATBAT: BEEF!
= GRAHAM: <BURP!>
<Everyone starts getting down to the incredibly funky 1980s
cover of the Transformers theme by Lion.>
Voice over with Star Wars-like titles:
ANNOUNCER: There's an evil new force in the universe. A monster planet
that devours everything in its path....and it's heading for the small
planet of Cybertron, where a unique race of transforming robots continue
to fight a civil war... a war between good and evil that has raged for
millions of years. The evil Decepticon Transformers, led by the maniacal
Megatron, have sworn to crush their enemies, the Autobots. To this end
they have relentlessly persued them across the galaxy, from planet
Cybertron to planet Earth and back again. But the heroic Autobot
Transformers and their courageous leader, Optimus Prime, are not easily
defeated.
= GRAHAM <Announcer impression>: Wait a minute. Yes they are. I lied.
They're all dead, and that's the end of the movie. Ha-ha -
you've all been conned out of five bucks.
Voice over as we see:View of Cybertron getting closer, catch sight
of Laserbeak as she comes closer, follow Laserbeak to Moonbase One
where we see a small glimpse of the base there, she then starts
spying on Prime etc.
= BOBBI: Laserbeak. I like Laserbeak. She's cool.
= EUAN: Since when is Laserbeak a she?
= BOBBI: What makes her a he?
= EUAN: He's a Transformer! All Transformers are hes!
= GRAHAM: He's right.
= BOBBI: Crap. No-one ever says it. If I want to call her a him, I
will. I mean...call he a her. Agh!
ANNOUNCER: It is the year 2005. The treacherous Decepticons have
conquered the Autobots' home planet of Cybertron. But, from secret
staging grounds on two of Cybertron's moons the valiant Autobots plan to retake
their homeland.
OPTIMUS: Ironhide, report to me at once.
= RATBAT <Optimus impression>: You have to. I'm the biggest square-
jawed chump in the Galaxy.
IRONHIDE: Everytime I look in a monitor, Prime, my circuits sizzle.
When are we gonna start busting Decepti-chops?
= BOBBI: Wow. Ironhide sure says some dumb stuff.
= EUAN: He's Southern! How does an Autobot get to be Southern?
= GRAHAM: He's from Southern Cybertron. And he drinks a lot.
= EUAN: What?
= BOBBI: And how come he speaks English?
= RATBAT: Because he failed Polish.
= EUAN: Like someone else we know.
= RATBAT: Sh.
OPTIMUS: I want you to make a special run to Autobot City on Earth.
IRONHIDE: But Prime...!
OPTIMUS: Listen, Ironhide - we don't have enough energon cubes to
power a full scale assault. Ready the shuttle for launch.
= RATBAT: They're gonna go from Cybertron to Earth in a shuttle?!
= GRAHAM: Oh, stop picking.
IRONHIDE: Your days are numbered now, Decepticreeps!
= GRAHAM: Can't he say 'Decepticon'?
Ironhide moves off towards the shuttle.
OPTIMUS: Jazz, report security status.
Jazz appears on monitor.
JAZZ: No sign of Decepticons here, Prime.
OPTIMUS: What about Moonbase 2?
JAZZ: Jazz to Moonbase 2, Jazz to Moonbase 2...
Bumblebee and Spike come on the screen.
BUMBLEBEE: Bumblebee and Spike here.
= EUAN: Gee! They must really care about that moonbase!
JAZZ: We're about to send up a shuttle. Any Decepticon shenanigans in
your area?
= GRAHAM: He's worse than Ironhide.
BUMBLEBEE: All clear, Jazz.
SPIKE: Hey Ironhide, tell my son Daniel I miss him, and tell him not
to worry, I'll be coming home just as soon as we've kicked Megatron's
tail across the galaxy.
= RATBAT: Megatron doesn't have a tail.
= BOBBI: Yeah, but they can't say 'arse' in a children's film.
IRONHIDE: Will do, Spike.
= BOBBI: Who's the poor bitch who had to have Spike's children?
OPTIMUS: Cliffjumper, commence countdown.
CLIFFJUMPER: 5...4...3...2...1...blast off!
= BOBBI: God, I bet he's glad he's got Cliffjumper to do that for him.
OPTIMUS: Now all we need is a little energon, and a lot of luck.
Laserbeak returns to the Decepticons' base on Cybertron.
SHOCKWAVE: Laserbeak returns, Megatron.
= GRAHAM: Shockwave! I remember Shockwave! He's an old drinking buddy
of mine, is Shockwave. A bit embarrassing, though...can't hold his
drink.
= EUAN: Shockwave's a pisspot?
= GRAHAM: No...he's only got one hand. Can't hold his drink.
MEGATRON: Welcome, Laserbeak. Unlike some of my other warriors, you
never fail me. Soundwave, play back Laserbeak's findings.
= RATBAT: No-one's said 'he' yet...
SOUNDWAVE: As you command, Megatron.
= GRAHAM: <Obscene bum-licking sounds.>
Soundwave replays parts of what Laserbeak saw in the Autobot's
moonbase:
OPTIMUS: I want you to make a special run to Autobot City
on Earth.
IRONHIDE: But Prime...!
OPTIMUS: Listen, Ironhide - we don't have enough energon
cubes to power a full scale assault. Ready the shuttle for launch!
OPTIMUS: Now all we need is a little energon, and a lot of
luck.
MEGATRON: More than you can imagine, Optimus Prime.
= RECYCLED VIRGINS: Oooohhhhhhh....!
The interior of an Autobot shuttle. Brawn, Ironhide, Prowl and
Ratchet are on board. The side blows open and in comes the Decepticons.
BRAWN: Megatron! Decepticons!!!
= EUAN: Well, I guess Brawn's the advance lookout guy.
= BOBBI <Optimus impression>: And mind you take the ship with the
shit radar, Ironhide.
MEGATRON: Die, Autobots!!
<Graham and Ratbat start doing air-guitar to Instrument of
Destruction.>
Megatron transforms and is held by Starscream who shoots Brawn.
= GRAHAM: I don't get it! If he hates Starscream so much, why does he
let him wave him around in gun mode?
= EUAN: It's dramatic licence.
= GRAHAM: Well, why doesn't Thundercracker do it?
= EUAN: I dunno! Because Thunder's blue and they wouldn't match, OK?
= BOBBI: But blue and grey can go quite well together.
= EUAN: Aaargh!
<Ratbat shudders.>
Prowl shoots at the Constructicons, who return fire, flooring him.
Ironhide and Ratchet both spin round and attack in unison but are
finished off by Starscream with Megatron who then transforms into robot mode.
= RATBAT: Well, now the Autos are stuffed. If Ratchet's snuffed it,
who's gonna fix everyone?
= EUAN: Wheeljack.
= RATBAT: Er-her.
= GRAHAM: <Sniff>
= EUAN: What?
= GRAHAM: I like Brawn...
MEGATRON: This was almost too easy, Starscream.
STARSCREAM: Much easier, almighty Megatron, than attacking the real
threat: the Autobots' moonbase.
= BOBBI: Don't bother. There's no-one there except a human and a V-Dub.
= RATBAT: But a cool V-Dub.
= OTHERS: True.
MEGATRON: You're an idiot, Starscream. Once we slip past their early
warning systems in their own shuttle and destroy Autobot City, the
Autobots will be vanquished forever!
= GRAHAM: Except for Spike and Bumblebee.
= EUAN: Oh, give it a rest.
IRONHIDE: No!!
MEGATRON: Such heroic nonsense!
Megatron shoots Ironhide.
= GRAHAM: Ow!!
Earth. Hot Rod and Daniel are fishing.
= RATBAT: Aaah, Jerk Squad.
= GRAHAM: Who's the little guy?
= BOBBI: He's Daniel. He's like Wesley for Transformers.
= EUAN: AAHHH!!
HOT ROD: Fish are jumping today, huh, Danno?
DANIEL: Guess so...
HOT ROD: Hey, what's the matter?
DANIEL: Ah, I dunno, Hot Rod.
HOT ROD: Come on, you can tell me.
= RATBAT <Daniel impression>: I wish I was a girl.
= BOBBI: Ratbat...! No flashbacks!
DANIEL: Guess I just miss my dad.
HOT ROD: Don't worry, Spike will be back soon.
= BOBBI: In a Volkswagen.
HOT ROD: Oh hey! I got something!
DANIEL: Woah, look at the size of it.
HOT ROD: Yep, it's a whopper alright.
= GRAHAM: That's what she said!
= RATBAT: Who?
= GRAHAM: Um...Euan's girlfriend!
= BOBBI: No I didn't.
= GRAHAM: Not y-- Woops.
Something starts to beep.
DANIEL: Hot Rod! The shuttle's coming! Let's watch it land!
HOT ROD: Talk about dull, Daniel.
= EUAN: ...and with that, Hot Rod says his last smart line for the
whole film.
= OTHERS <Kent Brockman>: Smartline!
DANIEL: Hurry, or we'll miss it!
Daniel jumps onto a hoverboard and promptly crashes it.
= BOBBI: Un-co!
HOT ROD: If you're gonna ride, Danno, ride in style!
= RATBAT: Barf.
Hot Rod transforms and throws Daniel into himself. They drive on.
DANIEL: Hey, let's stop here.
HOT ROD: Why settle for a peak, Daniel, when you can see everything
from Lookout Mountain?
= EUAN: Now he's enthusiastic! I don't get this guy! Is he in Autobot
puberty or something?
Kup, Huffer, Bluestreak, Sunstreaker and Hound doing roadwork.
KUP: A little to the left, a little bit more.
= RATBAT: Now, Kup is cool.
= GRAHAM: He's an old fart!
= BOBBI: Just 'cos someone's old, doesn't mean they're not cool.
= GRAHAM: Does in Kup's case.
Hot Rod crashes through the roadblock-type thing.
KUP: Turbo-revvin' young punk! I'll straighten y'out yet!
= RATBAT: I love it when he swears.
= BOBBI: 'Cos they can't do real swearing.
Daniel and Hot Rod reach the look out. Daniel looks through a
telescope-like thing.
DANIEL: Hot Rod, look! There's a hole in the shuttle!
= EUAN: ...and now Daniel says his last smart thing for the whole
film.
HOT ROD: What...?!
Looks through binocular-type things.
HOT ROD: Decepticons!
Opens fire.
KUP: What's that darn fool doing?
= BOBBI: Showing off!
MEGATRON: Attack!
The attack begins proper. Megatron blasts Lookout Mountain.
= GRAHAM: Yay!
= BOBBI: Kill them both! Kill them both!
HOT ROD: Daniel!!
DANIEL: Aaaaaaa!
BLITZWING: Come on down, Autobrat.
Aims his cannon on Hot Rod and Daniel.
= EUAN: That's right. Just stand there and let him get a good shot.
Kup deals with Blitzwing and Shrapnel.
= RATBAT: Well, we're not hiring Blitzwing again.
HOT ROD: Not bad for an old timer.
KUP: Old timer? That's something you'll never be if you don't get back
to the city.
= EUAN: Big loss. Imagine old Hot Rod.
= GRAHAM: No.
HOT ROD: Save it, Kup!
Starscream flies over them.
HOT ROB: Let's buuurrrrn rubber!
They drive off. Shots of Decepticons attacking and Perceptor
examining the situation. Ultra Magnus, Springer, Blurr and Arcee drive up.
PERCEPTOR: Ultra Magnus, a cursory evaluation of Decepticon capabilities
indicates a distinct tactical deficiency.
= RATBAT: Blablablablablablabla. <Pause> Aw, don't tell Ultra Magnus!
He's a big suck loser!
= GRAHAM: A what?
ULTRA MAGNUS: In other words, Perceptor?
SPRINGER: We're outnumbered!
= RATBAT: See? He misses everything!
= EUAN: Be glad Springer's around.
ULTRA MAGNUS: Springer, you and Arcee transform Autobot city.
Perceptor, tell Blaster to radio Prime for re-inforcements.
= RATBAT: There ye go. That's the Ultra Magnus school of forward
planning. Keep all yer reinforcements right where ye can get
them, on the other side of the galaxy. You can tell that was
his idea.
= GRAHAM: Are you going to keep on about Ultra Magnus for the rest of
the movie?
= RATBAT: You betcha.
BLURR: WhataboutmeMagnus,whataboutme?muhmmmmhmmmmm. Icanhelp,
Iwannahelp,whataboutme?
= BOBBI: Whoa! Blurr, switch to de-caf!
ULTRA MAGNUS: Blurr, you can help me alert the others.
BLURR:Absolutelypositivelydefinitely,nobodycangetthejobdonefasterthanIcan,
nobodynobodynobody!
= EUAN: Hey, that's a point. What good is Blurr to alert the others?
No-one can understand him!
= GRAHAM: Nobodynobodynobody!
= RATBAT: And Ulchie'll probably pussyfoot around telling the first
guy
until the whole City's been flattened. <Ultra Magnus> Well,
you see Hoist, there's a few...well, that is to say, we're a
bit abundant in the attacking Decepticon department. I was
kind of wondering if...
<Hoist> Yes, Magnus?
<Magnus> I was wondering if you could jerk me off for a while.
SPRINGER: Come on Arcee, lets go!
ARCEE: But Hot Rod and Kup are still outside the city.
= BOBBI: What was that about there being no girl Transformers, Euan?
= EUAN How do you know she's a girl? Because she's pink? No-one said
'she'!
= BOBBI: Because she's got bosoms.
= GRAHAM: Big deal. So has Springer.
= BOBBI: And she's got lipstick.
= GRAHAM: So has Blurr.
= RATBAT: She should leave those shades on. She looks cool.
SPRINGER: We can't wait. They'll have to take care of themselves, come
on!
They go down and start operating huge controls.
= GRAHAM: Ha-ha! What silly-looking controls!
Shot of Starscream chasing Springer and Arcee down a trench which
starts to be sealed at the top by a big heavy looking shutters.
STARSCREAM: Pathetic fools! There's no escape!
The Autobots run through the end door, which shuts.
= RATBAT: Don't you never say nothin' right?
Starscream escapes the trench, catching his foot, and has to blast
it to escape.
STARSCREAM: Ow, my foot!!!
Shots of Arcee and Springer transforming Autobot City.
= BOBBI: Why don't they just have one button that does everything?
= RATBAT: Because Ultra Magnus would probably keep pressing it by
accident.
Megatron watching and trying to blast open an entranceway.
MEGATRON: Breach their defences!
On fly Shrapnel and Kickback who begin to eat the entranceway
Megatron tried to shoot earlier.
KICKBACK: Delicious, eh, Shrapnel?
SHRAPNEL: A little heavy on the electrum...electrum.
= BOBBI: Are they going to eat the whole city?
We see Kup and Hot Rod racing up towards the entranceway. The bridge
to it is retracting.
KUP: The Insecticons are in our way.
HOT ROD: Wrong! Their our way in! Yaaaa!
Jumps over the gap between the road and the entranceway, knocking
the two Insecticons as he does so. Kup then runs over Kickback's head...
= EUAN: That had to hurt.
= BOBBI: That's odd. It sounded like Hot Rod said it, but it was
almost smart.
...and knocks Shrapnel away from the entranceway which reseals
itself with another door.
We cut to a shot of Perceptor entering Blaster's communication
tower.
BLASTER: Look out and shout out! Hey Perceptor, what's shaking, other
than this fortress?
= RATBAT: I can't decide if Blaster talks cool or talks crap.
PERCEPTOR: Blaster, Ultra Magnus sends orders to contact Optimus Prime
on Moonbase 1.
= GRAHAM: Hey! How come they've got an intergalactic subspace
communications system, but not an intercom?
= RATBAT: Bet I know which big suck loser's idea that was.
BLASTER: All right! Cover your receptors, Perceptor.
= RATBAT: Crap. Defintely crap.
Transforms and connects with his chair.
BLASTER: Optimus Prime, do you read me?
= GRAHAM <Blaster>: I gotta talk to Hugh...Hugh Janus.
BLASTER: The Decepticons are blitzing Autobot city, we're really
taking a pounding, don't know how much longer we can hold out.
The message repeats over and over. We see Megatron notice the
communication.
MEGATRON: Soundwave, jam that transmission.
SOUNDWAVE: Rumble, Frenzy, Ravage, Ratbat, eject. Operation:
interference.
= BOBBI: Hey...! A Transformer with the same name as one of us!
= GRAHAM: There's a Transformer called Graham?
= RATBAT: Sh. It's a cool name.
The tapes fly toward the tower, transforming as they go.
= EUAN: Hey! They fucked up! There's two black-and-red guys there.
= BOBBI: Two Frenzys!
= RATBAT: Two Rumbles!
= BOBBI: FIRRIB!
= RATBAT: RIRFIB!
= GRAHAM: Personally, I think they're both orange.
BLASTER: Optimus Prime, do you read me, the Decepticons are blitzing
Autobot city, we're really taking--
He is cut off as Frenzy & Co rip out the satellite dish.
RUMBLE: First we crack the shells, then we crack the nuts inside!
= RATBAT: See? That had to be Frenzy. Only Frenzy would say somethin'
cool like that.
= BOBBI: But only Rumble can do piledrivers.
= EUAN: Nil-score-draw, girls.
Frenzy and Rumble smash the tower window and all the tapes go for
Perceptor to begin with.
PERCEPTOR: Uh! Run, Blaster, save yourself!
= BOBBI <To Ratbat>: I notice your namesake isn't doing much.
= RATBAT: I said he had a cool name. I didn't say he was cool.
Actually, except for his cool name, he's a shitpinchin' cocksucker.
= BOBBI: Ratbat! Where did you learn to say 'shitpinchin' cocksucker'?
= RATBAT: From Graham.
= BOBBI: Well, where did Graham learn it?
= GRAHAM: Euan taught me.
= BOBBI: Well, where did you learn it?
= EUAN: Off you.
= BOBBI: Oh, right.
BLASTER: No way - two can play. Sic 'em!
Rewind, Eject, Ramhorn, and Steeljaw eject and fight off the
Decepticon tapes.
= EUAN: Euuah? Now they're doing the wrong colours thing.
PERCEPTOR: Do you think you got through to Prime?
BLASTER: Let's hope so, cause if I didn't, we're all gonna look like
burnt-out toaster ovens.
= GRAHAM <Blaster>: He didn't reply, so all I could do was leave a
message on his answering machine.
<Optimus> Hi, this is Optimus Prime. I'm sorry, I'm out posing
and being noble at the moment, but if you'd like to leave a
message after the beep, I'll get Cliffjumper to get back to
you.
Views of the Decepticons and Autobots fighting.
BLURR:We'vegotDecepticonsatthegate,Decepticonsintheair,Decepticonsinsideth
ewallsDecepticonsDecepticonsDecepticons!Ifwebeatthemonthewalls,they'restil
lintheair,weshootthemoutoftheair,they'restillatthegate.Sowheredoesthatleav
eus?Nowhere,that'swhere!
= RATBAT: Well, he's a better strategist than Ultra Magnus.
= BOBBI: Will you shut up about Ultra Magnus?
= RATBAT: Never.
Cut to Springer pushing a launcher into position.
SPRINGER: Come on, Arcee, we gotta get this launcher into place.
Megatron's making his big push, and we gotta push back.
= GRAHAM: Eh? What are these guys doing? The rest of the city
transforms itself, but they push this thing on their own?
Before joining him, Arcee pulls aside the corpses of Windcharger and
Wheeljack.
= EUAN: OK, now they're stuffed repairwise.
Kup, Hot Rod and Daniel enter.
KUP: Keep at it, Springer my boy, help's at hand... Together now. Push!
They push.
ARCEE: I was afraid you'd be trapped outside the city.
HOT ROD: Oh,hey, I wasn't worried for a microsecond.
ARCEE: Then you probably didn't understand the situation.
= GRAHAM: They're an item!
= BOBBI: But they're fighting.
= GRAHAM: That's a tiff.
= EUAN: Anyway, Transformers don't couple.
= GRAHAM: Yes they do. It's just that they're all gay, except for
these two.
= EUAN: But what would they need to couple for? Can you imagine two
Transformers doing it?
= RATBAT: Yes...
= GRAHAM: I can imagine three Transformers doing it!
= BOBBI: But what would they need to do it for? Can you imagine a
pregnant Arcee?
<Ratbat covers her ears, trying to block out pictures.>
= EUAN: They don't do it for that. If they want to do that, they just
build new robots 'n' stuff. People do do that for other
reasons than reproduction, you know...
= BOBBI: They do?
= EUAN: Well, of course! <Realises something> Oh dear...
= GRAHAM: Well, I wish you'd told me that six years or so ago, Euan,
otherwise there'd be a lot less women angry with me than are
now...and I'd be a lot richer...
KUP: That did it.
Daniel checks the scene outside.
MEGATRON: Constructicons, merge for the kill.
DANIEL: Kup, Hot Rod, look.
= RATBAT: He only tells Kup and Hot Rod? What about Arcee and
Springer? That's two more legend robots in there.
The Constructicons combine.
= GRAHAM: Ha! Suck on that!
= EUAN: Devastator! He slices, he dices, and he pounds the crap out
of Autobots seven different ways!
= BOBBI: One robot for the price of six!
= RATBAT: Otherwise inconspicuous as bright green construction vehicles!
KUP: Devastator.
= BOBBI: Duh.
DEVASTATOR: Prepare for extermination.
SPRINGER: I got better things to do tonight than die.
= EUAN <Sean Connery>: I got better things to do tonight than die.
= GRAHAM: Sean as Springer?
= RATBAT: Could work.
Devastator attacks. Springer loads and fires the launcher, and the
Autobots put up a brave battle...
= EUAN: Oooh! Perceptor in the trenches.
...but by time we see the sun rise up it looks hopeless for the
Autobots.
<Recycle Virgins whistle Morning.>
MEGATRON: Their defenses are broken - let the slaughter begin!
He looks up as another ship approaches. It seems Blaster did get
through, as Optimus Prime is on board with a compliment of Autobots,
including Sunstreaker and Hound.
= BOBBI: Hey! That yellow guy was on Earth before!
= RATBAT: He must have two jobs.
OPTIMUS: Dinobots - destroy Devastator!
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock love challenge.
<Recycled Virgins all cheer.>
= RATBAT: Grimlock!!
The Dinobots leap out of the shuttle.
= GRAHAM: I hope they can fly.
= BOBBI: Hey, where's Snarl?
= EUAN: In the little dino's room.
GRIMLOCK: Dinobots, transform!
They do, and fly towards Devastator.
= RATBAT: Yeeee-haaa...!
The Dinobots and Devastator fight each other, during which one of
the moves is for Slag to head-drive Devastator into the wall.
= GRAHAM: Aaah, now that's using your head.
They slug it out for a bit more, but eventually it comes to a draw.
= RECYCLED VIRGINS: What?
= EUAN: You can't just leave it there!
= BOBBI: We've been waiting ten years to see this fight!
= GRAHAM: It's like 'Is Superman faster than the Flash?' 'Can the
Dinobots beat Devastator?'
= RATBAT: Even if Grimlock could do it all on his own.
Fighting.
OPTIMUS: Megatron must be stopped...no matter the cost.
= BOBBI: Ohhhh! Big wank!
= GRAHAM: Go on, then. We're not watching.
<Bobbi hits him.>
= GRAHAM: Ow!
= RATBAT: See? He's just been standing around the whole time. Op's a
poseur. A big red poseur.
= EUAN: But is he a big suck loser?
= RATBAT: No...he's cool because he's got a hip mouthguard. You can
be a poseur without being a suck loser, it's just hard.
Optimus does a slow transform, and starts toward the site of the
main battle.
= RATBAT: Aahhh...he'll sort 'em out.
<They all start dancing or singing along to The Touch.>
Optimus charges through several Decepticons. At one point, Thrust is
knocked off his feet and through the air.
= EUAN <From Robocop>: You wanna fly? Well, fly anyway!
Prime continues through the Decepticons, after which he transforms
and shoots the assembled Decepticons.
= GRAHAM: Budda-budda! Budda-budda! Budda-budda!
He arrives at Megatron.
MEGATRON: Prime.
PRIME: One shall stand, one shall fall.
= EUAN: Well, he wins on delivery points.
= BOBBI: Even if he is talking a load of horseshit.
MEGATRON: Why throw away your life so recklessly?
OPTIMUS: That's a question you should ask yourself, Megatron.
= RATBAT: Aahg...he doesn't stop!
= GRAHAM: Chuck your trailer at him!
= BOBBI: Maybe he's just programmed so he can't say anything unless
he tries to say it profoundly.
MEGATRON: Now - I'll crush you with my bare hands!
Megatron and Optimus start fighting. Hot Rod and Kup are below.
HOT ROD: I've got to help Prime!
KUP: Stay away, lad, that's Prime's fight!
Megatron harpoons Prime with a piece of debris.
= RECYCLED VIRGINS <Pain>: OOOOOHHH!!!!
It doesn't bother Optimus, who throws Megatron into a wall, where he
picks up a laser sword.
= EUAN: Hey! A light-sabre! Can they be sued?
= BOBBI: Who the fuck's going to sue Megatron?
= RATBAT: Prime might, after he's done here.
Megatron slashes Prime right where the debris hit him.
= BOBBI: Eeuuhhrr. That's going to be a sore spot.
They fight some more. Megatron gets Prime in a lock.
MEGATRON: I'll rip out your optics.
The tables turn.
KUP: Finish him off, Prime! Do it now.
= BOBBI: God, could you stand with your legs any further apart?
= GRAHAM: It's to impress Arcee.
= RATBAT: It's to impress himself.
Optimus approaches with his gun.
MEGATRON: No more, Optimus Prime...grant me mercy, I beg of you...!
OPTIMUS: You who are without mercy, now plead for it? I thought you
were made of sterner stuff.
Megatron goes for a gun. Hot Rod sees it and leaps on him.
HOT ROD: No you don't, Megatron!
OPTIMUS: Out of the way, Hot Rod!
Megatron uses Hot Rod as a shield, and shoots Prime. Again in the
spot.
= EUAN: Oh, way to go, Hot Rod.
= RATBAT <Kup>: I shoulda let Blitzwing get ya.
= GRAHAM: Are all Autobots this dumb?
= BOBBI: Yeah. The only reason they're not all dead is because some
of the Decepticons are that dumb too.
= GRAHAM: Like who?
= BOBBI: Starscream.
MEGATRON: Fall...fall! I would've waited an eternity for this...it's
over, Prime.
OPTIMUS: Never!
Hits Megatron off the platform, then collapses.
HOT ROD: Optimus...forgive me...
= BOBBI <Optimus>: No chance.
STARSCREAM: How do you feel, mighty Megatron?
Kicks Megatron.
= BOBBI: Owchie!
STARSCREAM: Astrotrain, transform and get us out of here.
Astrotrain transforms.
MEGATRON: Ur...don't leave me, Soundwave.
SOUNDWAVE: As you command Megatron.
= BOBBI: Aaw, what a big suck!
= EUAN: Can we spell 'brown-nose', kiddies?
= GRAHAM: Spell? I've go-- never mind.
ARCEE: The Decepticons are retreating!
KUP: Prime did it. He turned the tide.
STARSCREAM: Astrotrain, take off!
He does.
= GRAHAM: He was a train! How does a train run without tracks?
= EUAN: Oh, so it doesn't matter if the train turns into a space
shuttle, but it does matter if it runs without tracks.
= BOBBI: But Tracks isn't even in this.
= GRAHAM: I didn't say a space shuttle needed tracks, I said a train
did.
= BOBBI: How does everyone fit inside Astrotrain when he's shorter
than most of them?
= GRAHAM: He's got a dimensionally transcendental arse.
Sickbay, Autobot City: Earth
PERCEPTOR: I fear the wounds are...fatal.
= EUAN: Ah, what would you know?
= BOBBI: You're not RATCHET!
= RATBAT: Or Wheeljack.
= GRAHAM: Yeah, or Wheeljack.
DANIEL: Prime, you can't die.
= RATBAT: A thousand pounds says he can.
OPTIMUS: Do not grieve. Soon I will be one with the Matrix.
HOT ROD: Prime...
= BOBBI <Optimus>: Wait! I've got a better idea. Use Hot Rod for
spare parts!
OPTIMUS: Uh, uhhh..., Ultra Magnus, it's to you, old friend, that I
shall pass the Matrix of Leadership, as it was passed to me.
= RATBAT: No...! Don't give to him! He's a big suck loser! Give it to
Grimlock!!
= EUAN: He'd just eat it.
= RATBAT: So? Then he'd turn into Super-Grimlock.
MAGNUS: But Prime, I'm...I'm just a soldier, I'm not worthy.
= GRAHAM: What? Magnus saw the blatantly obvious?
= RATBAT: Give it to Springer, then! Or Kup, or Arcee - they're
cool...cruk it, go back to Moonbase 2 and create Bumblebee
Prime! Anyone but MAGNUS!
= EUAN: What about Perceptor?
= RATBAT: Or Perceptor! Anyone but Magnus or Perceptor!
= BOBBI: Blurr Prime!
= BOBBI & = GRAHAM: Blurr Prime!
OPTIMUS: Nor was I, but one day an Autobot will rise from our ranks
and use the power of the Matrix to light our darkest hour.
He drops the Matrix, and Hot Rod picks it up, creating a bright
glow. Hot Rod hands it to Magnus, who places it in his chest.
= EUAN: Hey - does that mean that they've all got a little Matrix-
shaped space in their chest just in case they one day rise to
being really good?
= RATBAT: If that's the case, why does Ultra have one?
Magnus closes himself.
= RATBAT: But wait...! There's still time! <Grimlock> Me Grimlock
want Matrix! <Eating noises>
Prime dies.
<Recycled Virgins cry.>
Shot of Unicron rewatching the last scene, then screaming, or making
some such noise. Then cut to space.
ASTROTRAIN:Jettison some weight, or I'll never make it to Cybertron.
= GRAHAM: Jettison what weight? They're in space, for fuck's sake!
STARSCREAM: Fellow Decepticons, Astrotrain has requested that we
lighten our burden.
= BOBBI: Yes, Starsky, they heard.
BONECRUSHER: In that case, I say it is survival of the fittest.
STARSCREAM: Do I hear a second on that?
ALL UNWOUNDED: Aye.
STARSCREAM: And against?
WOUNDED: Nay.
STARSCREAM: The ayes have it!
= GRAHAM: Well, they would.
= BOBBI: I can hardly see Starscream saying <Starscream> 'Oh well,
the nays have it, better jump out into space.'
VARIOUS: Get,[...] Make room for others,[...] No,[...] Please don't.
Starscream picks up Megatron and carries him to the hatch.
STARSCREAM: Oh, how it pains me to do this.
MEGATRON: Wait...I still function...
STARSCREAM: Wanna bet?
Lets him go.
MEGATRON: Starscream!!!!!
= RATBAT: Well, it's a big day for Transformer politics today, innit?
At least maybe the Cons won't end up with a bigmouth fartipants
for a leader.
STARSCREAM: Well, as Megatron has, how shall we say, departed, I
nominate myself as the new leader!
= EUAN: Spoke too soon, Ratti.
SCRAPPER: Wait - the Constructicons form Devastator, the most
powerful robot. We shall rule!
SOUNDWAVE: Soundwave superior, Constructicons inferior.
= RATBAT <Soundwave>: Ultra Magnus big suck loser.
= EUAN: Stop it...!
<Bobbi and Euan team up to give her a nipple-cripple.>
= RATBAT: I vill not be silenced!
BONECRUSHER: Who are you calling inferior?
= EUAN: Huah! I wonder...
HOOK: No one would follow an uncharismatic boor like you.
Out come Frenzy, Ravage, Rumble and Laserbeak.
= RATBAT: That must feel well weird, doing that.
= EUAN: It's probably like giving birth several times a day.
= RATBAT & BOBBI: <Whimper>
<Euan leans right over the girls, who have started to adopt
the legs-crossed-all-the-way-up-to-the-neck position and
expression.>
= EUAN: Giving birth to several large, metal robots, several times a
day...Owch!!
<Sinks back into position painfully. As he does, Bobbi
<literally> retracts her claws.>
RUMBLE: Hey! Nobody calls Soundwave unchrasimatic!
FRENZY: Yeah, let's kick tailgate!
SCRAPPER: Constructicons unite!
RUMBLE & FRENZY: No way.
They both piledrive.
= RATBAT: Ha-hah! Now they're both doing piledrivers!
= BOBBI: Oh, go away...
A fight ensues between the Decepticons for leadership as we see
Astrotrain depart.
= BOBBI: Now... Astrotrain could make a bid for power here. All he
needs to do is stop dead, remind them who's the ship and who's
the passengers, and sit still until they listen.
= EUAN: Maybe he knows it's not really such a great job.
Megatron in space, floating toward Unicron.
UNICRON: Megatron... Welcome Megatron.
MEGATRON: Who...who said that?
UNICRON: I am Unicron.
= BOBBI: Rosebud's the sled!!!
MEGATRON: Show yourself.
UNICRON: I have summoned you here for a purpose.
= RATBAT: No you didn't! He drifted there all by himself!
= EUAN: Unless Starscream's part of his grand plan.
= GRAHAM: Unicron's full of shit!
MEGATRON: Nobody summons Megatron.
= RATBAT: That's right.
UNICRON: Then it pleases me to be the first.
MEGATRON: State your business.
UNICRON: This is my command: You are to destroy the Autobot Matrix of
Leadership, it is the one thing, the only thing that can stand in my way.
= BOBBI: But it's really small and you're really huge! You're right,
he's full of shit!
= EUAN: And is it really a good idea to send a hostile robot after
something, and tell him that it's the only thing that can stop
you?
MEGATRON: You have nothing to fear. I have already crushed Optimus
Prime with my bare hands.
UNICRON: You exaggerate.
MEGATRON: The point is he's dead, and the Matrix died with him.
UNICRON: No, the point is you're a fool!
= EUAN: Gee, for a all-powerful world-eating planet, he's bloody
childish!
UNICRON: The Matrix has been passed onto their new leader - Ultra
Magnus. Destroy it for me.
= RATBAT: And make sure you make spare parts out of Ulmags while
you're about it!
MEGATRON: Why should I? What's in it for me?
UNICRON: Your bargaining posture is highly dubious.
= EUAN: Yeah, I can see that.
= BOBBI: Well, he's going to need something. He can't go and beat up
Ultra Magnus in that condition.
= RATBAT: Bumblebee could beat up Ultra Magnus if he was in that
condition.
UNICRON: But very well, I will provide you with a new body, and new
troops to command.
= GRAHAM: Much better.
MEGATRON: And?
= BOBBI: That's it, Meg! Push, push!
= GRAHAM: First rule of good bargaining - never admit you're getting
the better deal.
UNICRON: And nothing! You belong to me now.
MEGATRON: I belong to nobody!
= GRAHAM: What? Does he think he's going to get a better offer?
UNICRON: Perhaps I misjudged you. Proceed on your way to oblivion.
MEGATRON: Aaaaa, no, no, I accept your terms, I accept...
UNICRON: Excellent.
Megatron is held in a strange grip and starts to change.
= RATBAT: Hey, wicked! He's gone green! Is he gonna stay green for
the rest of the film?
His body is formed anew.
= RATBAT: Guess not.
= BOBBI <Eyes covered>: Has he got his skin back on yet?
= EUAN: Well, not his, but...
= GRAHAM: What do you mean, not his butt?
UNICRON: Behold, Galvatron.
The other damaged Decepticons are held in similar beams.
UNICRON: And these shall be your minions...
Thundercracker is formed anew, as are a bunch of Insecticon clones.
UNICRON: Scourge, the tracker and his huntsmen, the Sweeps.
= BOBBI: Wow...I've never seen such a blatant attempt to make the
kids go out and buy shitloads of Scourge toys.
Skywarp and another clone also change.
UNICRON: Cyclonus the warrior, and his armada.
= EUAN: One guy?
= RATBAT: That's a pretty pissy armada.
= BOBBI: Not to mention useless. Why didn't they just make hima Sweep?
= GRAHAM: Because Sweeps suck crap. And this way they double his
sales too.
A starship comes out of Unicron's side.
= RATBAT: Has he had that ship stuck in there the whole time just on
the offchance?
UNICRON: And this shall be your ship. Now go, destroy the Autobot
Matrix!
GALVATRON: I will rip open Ultra Magnus, and every other Autobot,
until the Matrix has been destroyed. To Cybertron!
= RATBAT: No! Just Magnus! He's got it! Rip open Ultra Magnus, then
you
can retire!
= EUAN: I don't get it. Shockwave talks like Mr Spock, and Galvatron
sounds like Mr Spock.
Galvatron and his troops enter the ship which then moves off.
UNICRON: Destroy the Matrix.
We see Starscream about to get coronated. The Constructicons keep
playing trumpets with Starscream getting impatient with their
interruptions.
= GRAHAM: How the hell do they play the trumpet?
= BOBBI: They had lessons.
= GRAHAM: But half of them don't even have mouths!
= BOBBI: They had really good lessons!
STARSCREAM: Get on with the Ceremony.
Shoots the ends off the trumpets, then Astrotrain puts a crown on
his head.
STARSCREAM: My fellow Decepticons, as your new leader, I... Who
disrupts my coronation?
While Starscream was ranting on Galvatron has entered in Cyclonus.
He leaps out as Cyclonus transforms.
= GRAHAM: Hey! Cyclonus does it too!
= RATBAT: Maybe this is why Transformer toys aren't to scale.
GALVATRON: Coronation, Starscream? This is bad comedy.
= EUAN: It's not exactly brilliant drama, either
STARSCREAM: Megatron? Is that you?
GALVATRON: Here's a hint.
Galvatron transforms and blows Starscream into dust.
= EUAN: Yeh-hehhhh!
= EUAN & RATBAT: MEAT!
= OTHERS: About time!
= BOBBI <Starscream>: No, I didn't get it. Can I have another hint,
please?
He transforms back, rather effectively stepping on the crown.
GALVATRON: Will anyone else attempt to fill his shoes?
= GRAHAM: Do Transformers wear shoes?
= EUAN: Starscream doesn't now...
RUMBLE: Eh, what'd he say his name was?
= GRAHAM: He didn't.
= BOBBI: Definitely Rumble.
= RATBAT: Frenzy!
= BOBBI: Rumble!
= RATBAT: Frenzy!
= GRAHAM: Snarl!
= RATBAT & BOBBI: Shut up...!
GALVATRON: Galvatron.
ALL ASSEMBLED: Long live Galvatron! Galvatron!
We cut to Moonbase 1 where Unicron is attacking.
JAZZ: Where'd that come from?
CLIFFJUMPER: Who cares? I'm more worried about where it's going!
= EUAN: Shouldn't you be more worried about where you're going?
= BOBBI: Like to the other side of the galaxy, maybe?
= GRAHAM: Jazz wouldn't run. He's too cool.
= RATBAT: Huh?
= GRAHAM: I said cool. Not smart.
Cut to Earth where we see Blaster helping in the repairs as he picks
up a signal.
JAZZ'S VOICE: Talk to me, Earth, we got a situation up here. Roger me,
wilco me, anything, hello hello Earth.
BLASTER: I'm picking up a faint signal!
= GRAHAM: Aw, and we thought Kup knew a ventriloquist party trick.
= BOBBI: It wouldn't have shut up by now if it was Kup.
= RATBAT <Kup>: Now, I remember Earth, that was where we got shot up
by tons of Decepticons, only in those days, Decepticons were called
Autobots, are you listening, Hot Rod?
<Hot Rod> Nah, I'm playing with myself.
JAZZ'S VOICE: This is Jazz! A ginormous weird-looking planet just showed
up in the suburbs of Cybertron!
= GRAHAM: Well, we know why Perceptor wasn't there. <Perceptor> Ultra
Magnus, a limited optical sensor scan of the immediately
surrounding atmosphere of our sphere of origin's primary
satellite provides an indication of--AAAAAGGHH!
CLIFFJUMPER'S VOICE: And it's attacking Moonbase 1!
The signal is cut off.
MAGNUS: Jazz, Cliffjumper!
= RATBAT: Quick! Stick another 10p in Blaster!
= EUAN: Ooh.
Cut back to the moon. Jazz and Cliffjumper are in a ship.
JAZZ: Got to blast free - if we can.
= GRAHAM: OK. Maybe he is smart.
CLIFFJUMPER: Ignition and...
JAZZ: Hit it!
CLIFFJUMPER: Jazz, we're not getting away!
They get sucked into Unicron.
= BOBBI: What? Cliffjumper's dead? Who'll do the countdowns now?
= RATBAT: You think that Ultra Magnus is together enough to launch a
ship?
Cut to Spike and Bumblebee on Earth communications monitor.
SPIKE: This is Spike and Bumblebee, up here on Moonbase 2.
= EUAN: Aah, the really important one.
BUMBLEBEE: This thing, this...monster planet just ripped the first
moon to shreds!
SPIKE: And it's heading this way!
= EUAN: What the fuck is that thing Spike's wearing?
= RATBAT: It makes him look like a Transfomervestite.
= BOBBI: Bumblebee's got bigger since he was on TV...
BUMBLEBEE: We'll try and slow it down.
SPIKE: But you'd better get here fast, cause we're not gonna--
[communications are cut off]
DANIEL: Dad!
Cut to Moonbase 2 with Spike and Bumblebee.
SPIKE: Bumblebee, activate the explosives. If this doesn't stop it,
nothing will.
BUMBLEBEE: The explosives are activated! Let's get outta here. Hurry,
it's gonna blow!
They board a ship. The moon is eaten and explodes, Bumbleebee and
Spike are in a shuttle which is rocked by the explosion.
= EUAN: Do they have the facility to blow the whole moon up? Why?
= RATBAT: Just in case it's ever attacked by a cannibalistic planet.
= EUAN: Well, what are the chances of that, then?
= BOBBI: About one in one, by the looks of it.
BUMBLEBEE & SPIKE: All right! Horah. We done it. Way to go. Ha ha....
BUMBLEBEE: Look!
Shot of Unicron, not even dented.
SPIKE: It isn't even dented!
= RATBAT: You're in ter-rubble!
SPIKE: Holy shit, what are we gonna do now?
= EUAN: What was that about swearing, Bobbi?
= GRAHAM: I'd call it justified!
BUMBLEBEE: We're being sucked into it!
= BOBBI: Oh, no! The Autobots' last line of defence is gone!
= RATBAT: Who's gonna do cute things now Bumbles and the Spikester
are gone?
= GRAHAM: Daniel.
= EUAN: Oh, yay.
Cut to Galvatron watching the moon's destruction.
GALVATRON: How dare Unicron! Cybertron and all its moons belong to
me...Argh!
= BOBBI: But do you still want them now?
Galvatron is struck down with pain as Unicron uses some sort of
attack on him.
= GRAHAM: Can he just do that to anyone? Why doesn't he do it to Magnus?
= EUAN: It's because he created Galvatron.
= GRAHAM: Why doesn't he turn Magnus into Galvatron, then do that to
him, then get the Matrix out of him?
= RATBAT: Why doesn't he do that to Magnus anyway?
SCOURGE: Remember, we belong to him.
= EUAN: Is that Scourge or one of the Sweeps?
= BOBBI: I dunno.
= GRAHAM: Good point. How do they tell each other apart?
= RATBAT: 'cos Scourge has got a cool voice and a name, and the rest
are all just ironing board bum-sausage cannon fodder.
GALVATRON: I belong to nobody...!! [Falls down stairs] I will obey,
Unicron. [recovers as the attack stops] Decepticons - to Earth!
Earth.
MAGNUS: Autobots, prepare to board the shuttles. This new menace is
more dangerous than all the Decepticons put together, somehow we must destroy
it, before it devours Cybertron.
= RATBAT: Oh, great. Welcome to the Ultra Magnus school of the
incredibly obvious.
= EUAN: Anyway, he knows that it was right near the moon. He's on
Earth. How does he plan to beat it there?
DANIEL: But what about my dad? He's on the moon between that monster
planet and Cybertron!
= BOBBI: Was, Danny Boy, was.
MAGNUS: Daniel, we'll do everything we can for Spike.
= EUAN: Like a state funeral, twenty-one-blaster salute, ashes
scattered as per his request...
= GRAHAM: Assuming that he wanted them scattered all over Unicron's
insides.
SPRINGER: And what are we gonna do when we get there? If that thing
crunches moons, it'll make short work of us.
MAGNUS: Maybe the Matrix can stop it.
= RATBAT: See? The BSL's only been leader for about two hours, and
already he wants to start whipping out the Matrix. How does he
know they weren't just making it up?
= EUAN: Spike's imagination?
= RATBAT: This is true.
HOT ROD: You're right, it can.
KUP: What do you kow about it, lad?
= GRAHAM: Nothing. Hot Rod doesn't know nothing about nothing.
HOT ROD: I just got this feeling.
SPRINGER: Look!
A whole heap of Decepticons appear and start attacking.
= BOBBI: Look! Now they can compare! It really is all the Decepticons
put together!
= GRAHAM: Hey! It's Snarl! Snarl's back!
MAGNUS: To the shuttles!
GALVATRON: I, Galvatron, will crush you just as Megatron crushed Prime.
MAGNUS: And you'll die trying, just like Megatron.
= EUAN: Well, have we got news for you.
= RATBAT: Actually...what kind of a message does that give? The good
leader ends up all dead and grey, and the evil leader gets a
really cool new body.
= BOBBI: And Mr Spock for a voice.
Magnus fires and hits Cyclonus, whom Galvatron is in (or it could be
the 'armada'). It does no real damage.
= RATBAT: Typical Magnus effort. Couldn't hit the broad side of a
Barnbot.
= BOBBI: Oh, is Broadside in this too?
= GRAHAM: 'Barnbot'?
GALVATRON: Autobot scrap.
= GRAHAM: God, you're busting out on the insults today, aren't you?
SCOURGE: You want me to gut Ultra Magnus?
= RATBAT: You bet! Kill! Kill! Kill!
= BOBBI: Hey, Scourge's voice just changed.
= GRAHAM: It happens to all of us sooner or later.
= EUAN <James Earl Jones dubbed on>: Does it?
GALVATRON: There are plenty of Autobots for you. Ultra Magnus is mine.
= RECYCLED VIRGINS: <Mock evil laugh>
Cyclonus shoots out a section of floor in front of Arcee and Daniel,
and she stops him falling in.
= BOBBI: Nooo...! Drop him in, drop him in!!
ARCEE: Stay close to me, Daniel.
Hot Rod approaches.
HOT ROD: And you'd better stay close to me.
She pulls him out of the way of more blasts.
ARCEE: No, you'd better stay close to me.
= GRAHAM: Ooooooohhh...
= BOBBI: Sexual tension between our heroes!
= RATBAT: Arcee's got a boyfriend...Arcee's got a boyfriend...
= EUAN: Dump the guy!
= RATBAT: Go out with Grimlock instead!
= EUAN: God, what would the children be like...?
Blurr trying to persuade Grimlock into a ship.
= BOBBI: Oh. Snarl's gone again now.
= GRAHAM: It's him! He's the traitor! He's the one who told Galvatron
where all the Autobots were!
= EUAN: Graham...I think they might just have noticed the huge
smouldering city they left last time.
BLURR:Nicedino,gooddino,sweetdino,won'tyoustepintothenicespaceship,please,
prettyplease,prettyprettyplease,nicedino,gooddino,withsugarontopandacherry
andsomewhippedcream,nicedino,gooddino,sweetdino...!
= GRAHAM: Blurr talking to Grimlock. Isn't that just so Mr Fast and
Mr Slow?
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock not nice dino - me bash brains!
Shoots at a few Decepticons as they go overhead.
MAGNUS: Blurr, get the Dinobots in the shuttle.
BLURR:I'mtryingtogetthemintheshuttleUltraMagnus,causeIknowwecan'tlaunchthe
shuttletilligetthemintheshuttlebutican'tseemtogetthemintheshuttlecausethey
'reimpossibleimpossibleimpossible!
= GRAHAM: Untrue. He's only not doing it because it was Ultra Magnus
that told him to. Now, if, say, Ironhide had been made
leader...
= EUAN: ...they'd be stuffed, 'cause he's dead.
= RATBAT: Well, he only has to beat UM, and he's a huge nobody with a
cruddy trailer.
= BOBBI: What's with you? Did Ultra Magnus forget to give you child
support or something?
= EUAN: Now there's a pretty fucking picture.
= BOBBI: Or a pretty picture of fucking.
<Ratbat squeaks.>
MAGNUS: OK, forget it. Kup, Hot Rod, you guys get the Dinobots aboard
and get out of here!
Hot Rod lassos Grimlock.
= GRAHAM: Oooooohh, that's askin' for it.
HOT ROD: Come on, you big bozo, get in the shuttle.
The other Dinobots board once Grimlock has.
= RATBAT: See? Now, that's true leadership quality!
KUP: This reminds me of the battle on Alpha IX, the petro-rabbits
were-- Grimlock, get your noodle outta my face.
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock love Kup's war stories.
= GRAHAM: Me Graham think Kup's a boring old fart.
= EUAN: No he's not. Sssh.
KUP: You're living one now. Engage the boosters, for Cybertron's sake.
= EUAN: Auheh? Can you imagine a human saying, 'Engage the boosters,
for Earth's sake'?
GRIMLOCK: Tell Grimlock about petro-rabbits again.
KUP: I'll give you petro-rabbits. Contact.
= RECYCLED VIRGINS: What the hell is a petro-rabbit?
Kup and Hot Rod's shuttle starts to take off. Springer and Daniel
run towards another.
SPRINGER: Looks like we're shipmates, squirt.
DANIEL: All right!
= EUAN: Make him prove himself first! Make him walk right up to
Galvatron and say, 'you suck big jobbies'!
= RATBAT: Make him lie down in front of Ultra Magnus and the big
careless clod'll probably step on him.
= BOBBI: But...wouldn't that be something cool?
= RATBAT: If he did that I might learn to forgive him. As long as he
gives the Matrix to Grimlock.
SPRINGER: But if you get spacesick, you're gonna walk home.
= EUAN: Well, I guess even Springer has to say something stupid once
in a while.
In the shuttle.
MAGNUS: Hurry!
DANIEL: Wait, Ultra Magnus! Arcee's still out there.
= GRAHAM: So? So what? So's Blaster, so's Snarl, so's Hound...
= BOBBI: But are any of them so cool as Arcee?
= EUAN: But are any of them so pink as Arcee?
SPRINGER: Jump!
She grabs onto the ramp, and Springer pulls her up. Once there,
Daniel closes the hatch.
= RATBAT: Why didn't he do that before and save Springer all that
bother?
= GRAHAM: Because he's a stupid squishy.
ARCEE: Thanks.
DANIEL: [sighs] That was close.
SPRINGER: Believe it or not, this is the fun part.
= EUAN: OK, he's cool again.
= BOBBI: He must have done it so he could flirt with Arcee.
= RATBAT: Better than Hot Rod.
= GRAHAM: Springer and Hot Rod?
Ships in space.
MAGNUS: Congratulations, Autobots, we've lost them, so rest while you
can.
On the Hot Rod/Kup/Dinobots ship. Hot Rod is practicing combat with
a drone, Kup is telling stories.
KUP: Yep, I remember the dust was so think on Beta IV you had to
windshield-wipers on your optic-sensors.
= GRAHAM: God, he can talk, can't he?
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock know all about wipers, want to hear good part of
story.
SWOOP: Good part come - tell Swoop good part!
KUP: OK, OK, so the dust was really thick. And then this gigantic
Igyac came tromping and stomping down the mountain, flame spewing out of its
nostrils, and I thought for sure...
HOT ROD: Hey Kup, don't you think we have better things to do now than
tell old war stories?
KUP: Like what?
= EUAN: Like limber up for fighting a planet-eater by playing swords
with a crappy little droid, maybe?
= RATBAT: Like stopping past a supernova and dropping Hot Rod and
Ultra
Magnus in?
HOT ROD: Like maybe figure out how we're going to rescue our friends,
and save Cybertron.
= BOBBI: What friends? He doesn't even know that he has friends in
trouble.
= GRAHAM: What friends, period.
GRIMLOCK: No, tell story!
DINOBOTS: Shhhh. Quiet. Tell story. We wanna hear story. Tell story.
= RECYCLED VIRGINS: Yeah! We wanna hear the story. Tell us the story!!
= GRAHAM: Bud Lite.
The drone takes Hot Rod from behind.
= BOBBI: Yay the combat drone!
COMBAT DRONE: Timeout, timeout, timeout!
The Decepticons start attacking the shuttles.
HOT ROD: They're closing on us!
KUP: Yep, like the shritebats of Dromedon.
HOT ROD: How'd you beat them?
KUP: I'm trying to remember, there were an awful lot of casualties
that day. Oh, yeah - we inverted polarities.
= GRAHAM: How come Kup's the only one who remembers any of these
missions? Did all his mates kill themselves because he talked
so much crap? In fact, that's probably how he beat the
shitebats. He just started up and they all ran for it.
= EUAN & RATBAT: Shut up...! Kup's a legend!
= BOBBI: Yeah, a real boring legend, but a legend nonetheless.
= GRAHAM: Yeah, legend as in really old thing that no-one takes
seriously.
They lift out of the way of the missiles.
HOT ROD: They're comin' back.
The missiles explode in front of the ship.
HOT ROD: All right! We survived that.
<Ratbat does a childish impersonation of him.>
= BOBBI: Hey - use Hot Rod as ammo!
KUP: Yeah, but will we survive this?
= BOBBI: Of course! Only the guys who were in the old show kark it in
the movie.
= GRAHAM: <Bursts into tears> Like Brawn!!!! Waaahahawaaaaaahhh!
GALVATRON: Cyclonus, transform and attack.
= RATBAT: Another Mr Strategy. Doesn't he know Magnus is on the other
ship?
Cyclonus does, and attacks the ship.
KUP: I can't control it.
HOT ROD: We're gonna crash!
He's right.
SPRINGER: Kup and Hot Rod just bought it!
MAGNUS: I can't deal with that now.
= BOBBI <Anxiety/Ultra Magnus>: I can't deal with it...it's
just...well, it's too much for me, Springer. I think I'm going to have to
jump out of an airlock to avoid the confusion in my soul.
= GRAHAM <Springer>: Fine. Don't forget to leave me the Matrix on
your way out.
SPRINGER: Face it, Magnus, the Decepticons are gonna dog us until they
see us dead.
MAGNUS: Then that's exactly what they're gonna see!
= RATBAT: He means it, that's the sad thing.
MAGNUS: Prepare for emergency seperation!
= EUAN: Of what? Their heads from their shoulders?
= RATBAT: FORT MAX!
PERCEPTOR: That's too dangerous!
= RATBAT: Exactly! Declare him unfit for duty, take back the Matrix
and give it to Grimlock!
MAGNUS: What choice do we have?
= EUAN: We could throw you out the side of the ship and use you for a
decoy.
The Autobots seperate three-quarters of the shuttle and let it get
blown away.
SCOURGE: The Autobots have been terminated.
= EUAN: He sounds different again!
GALVATRON: Excellent, and the Matrix with them. Aaaaa [Unicron attacks
again] No, Unicron! Why? Take me to Unicron, take me now, aaaaaa...
Back to the Springer & Co ship.
ARCEE: Did we have to let them detonate three quarters of the ship?
SPRINGER: Seeing as they would have detonated four quarters, I think
it was a good choice.
= RATBAT: I know. Scrap Maggie and let these two rule in a coalition!
ARCEE: But how are we going to get there in this wreck?
MAGNUS: Perceptor, can you locate a place to set down for repairs?
= EUAN: God, the phrase is 'Can you see a planet?'.
PERCEPTOR: Gamma waves in this sector of space create marginal
navigational probabilities, however...
Everyone is bored.
= RECYCLED VIRGINS: Yes, he is a bit, isn't he?
= GRAHAM: I wonder if they could solve their energy problems if they
hooked a generator up to Perceptor's mouth.
= BOBBI: I think they could solve their energy problems if they just
turned off Perceptor's mouth.
PERCEPTOR: Ahem, yes I believe I can, the Planet of Junk is in this
vicinity.
MAGNUS: Then let's go for it.
= RATBAT: Ultra Robert Magnus, graduate of the School for Stating the
Incredibly Obvious.
= BOBBI: Ratbat, if Springer or Arcee had said it, you would have
thought it was smart.
= RATBAT: Ah, but Springer or Arcee didn't say it...
Quintesson, underwater, with Hot Rod...
HOT ROD: Kup! Grimlock! Slag! anybody!
KUP [Way off]: Hot Rod! Help me!
Hot Rod comes across Kup, who is being attacked by some metallic
octopus-thing, which Hot Rod manages to scare off.
= BOBBI: Why is absolutely every life-form they come across some kind
of robot?
= EUAN: So they can kill it in a kids' film.
= GRAHAM: You mean...
= RATBAT: That's right. You're stuck with Daniel.
HOT ROD: Kup...Kup...!
KUP: Help...
HOT ROD: Kup, talk to me.
= EUAN: I bet you he doesn't hear that very often.
KUP: Ffffix me.
= BOBBI: Fuck, he must be desparate.
HOT ROD: Sure Kup, right away.
= RATBAT: Wow! Do you have bumlick competitions with Soundwave?
= GRAHAM: Soundwave Prime! There's an idea.
= BOBBI: There's a stupid idea.
Hot Rod gathers up Kup's parts and carries him off.
= EUAN: That's actually really morbid.
Above the Planet of Junk, the ship is heading down.
MAGNUS: Brace for impact!!
= RATBAT: Can I have five pounds every time he says something you'd
have to be blind not to think of?
The shuttle impacts hard, ploughing across the ground.
MAGNUS: Say something, anybody.
= BOBBI <Arcee>: Hey, guys! Pretend you're dead, then he'll wander
off and die!
SPRINGER: Remind me to give the auto-pilot a raise.
= RATBAT: But not a very high one, 'cos Magnus is still alive.
ARCEE: Daniel?
DANIEL: I...I'm OK.
= RECYCLED VIRGINS: Oh, shit!!
= GRAHAM: Bugger that raise.
MAGNUS: Let's try to salvage this thing.
DANIEL: Can I help?
SPRINGER: It's rough out there, kid.
= EUAN <Springer>: On second thought, why not? Go stand on the roof
and hope for meteor showers.
ARCEE: I think Daniel can make himself useful with this. It was
Spike's exo-suit.
DANIEL: Dad's exo-suit! He told me all about it.
= BOBBI: But did he tell you about the women's underwear he wore
underneath it?
= RATBAT: Uh? That was mine, I wondered where it'd got to...
= GRAHAM: Oh, no, I ate yours.
= EUAN: What? You liar! That wasn't a new kind of pasta!
ARCEE: Here, try it on. Now try to walk - come on, you can do it!
Falls over.
= EUAN: No he can't.
SPRINGER: Just think about what you want to do before you do it.
= BOBBI: Something Spike wishes he'd done after he found a rip in a
condom some years ago.
DANIEL: It's kinda tricky...woah, uh!
Does a back-flip.
= RECYCLED VIRGINS: Ooooooohhhhhhhh....!!!!!!
ARCEE: Keep on practising, you'll get the hang of it.
MAGNUS: Come on. Showtime's over, we've got work to do.
= BOBBI: We want Optimus...
They go out.
DANIEL: [Whistles] This must be the junk capital of the universe.
= EUAN: Oh, God. Film kids' wisecracks. I love 'em.
A number of robotic figures come out of the junk some distance away.
WRECK-GAR: Stop thief! No welcome wagon hello stranger with that good
coffee flavour for you. Well, well...offer expires while you wait.
Operators are standing by.
= RECYCLED VIRGINS: Now, he's cool!
= RATBAT: Funnier than Ultra Magnus!
= BOBBI: Prettier than Kup!
= EUAN: Smarter than Grimlock!
= GRAHAM: Sexier than Starscream!
Back to Quintesson. Hot Rod finishes fixing Kup.
= EUAN: Ratchet's dead, Wheeljack's dead,
= GRAHAM: <Sniff> Brawn's dead...
= EUAN: Shut up. Hoist and First Aid are nowhere to be found, and
Perceptor's on another planet, so Hot Rod does it?
HOT ROD: That does it. Well, what do you think?
= BOBBI <Kup>: I think I want Perceptor.
Kup walks around for a bit.
KUP: Of all the circuit-glitched, diode-blowin' dim-wittery - you left
a piece out!
= BOBBI: Kup! Wash your mouth out!
HOT ROD: No way, you're just a little stiff.
= GRAHAM: ...but, I'm a little...loose, so...
KUP: Anyway, all things considered, you did an amazing job lad. Amazing.
HOT ROD: Really?
= EUAN: For a loser, anyway.
KUP: Yeah, you even got rid of that nasty bar in my rotator.
= GRAHAM: He probably lost it.
= BOBBI: Nah, Hot Rod's never gonna lose it.
KUP: Now let's find the Dinobots and get off this twisted planet.
Hot Rod and Kup transform, drive a bit, and come across some
Quintessons.
KUP: Don't act hostile. I'll use the universal greeting.
HOT ROD: Universal greeting?
= GRAHAM: Yeah, it goes... <high> 'Hello, nice American GI - would
you like some franks and beans?'
KUP: Watch, I'll have them eating out of my hand.
= BOBBI: Eating franks and beans?
KUP: Bah weep grah nah weep ni ni bong.
= RECYCLED VIRGINS: <Huge snigger> WHAT?!
HOT ROD [Incredulous]: Bah weep grah nah weep ni ni bong?
= EUAN: For once I agree with Hot Rod.
QUINTESSONS: Bah weep grah nah weep ni ni bong.
= GRAHAM: Oh, OK.
KUP: See, the universal greeting works every time. Now, without making
any sudden moves, offer them an energon goodie.
The Quintessons all crowd around, and take lots and lots.
HOT ROD: This is getting expensive.
KUP: Don't worry, they'll reciprocate.
The Quintessons look to them for more energon.
HOT ROD: I thought they were supposed to reciprocate?
= EUAN <Kup>: Well, now I gotta offer 'em a much bigger supply of
energon - say, as much as there is in a whole Autobot - one that
transforms into a silly red car...
HOT ROD: No more.
KUP: Empty.
Kup and Hot Rod are taken prisoner and led off, eventually coming to
a corridor, they are followed by Wheelie, up until the corridor.
KUP: This reminds me of the Nitith slave mines on Galganath VII.
= GRAHAM: <Huge yawn>
HOT ROD: Everyplace reminds you of someplace else.
= GRAHAM <Sings>: I've been everywhere, man...I've been everywhere,
man...
KUP: Experience, lad, you should learn to appreciate it.
= RATBAT: The Dinobots do.
= EUAN: But, then...they're legends.
HOT ROD: Lot of good it's done us so far!
KUP: Hey, what's going on over there?
= BOBBI: A party!
INQUISITOR: Has the imperial magistrate reached a verdict?
JUDGE: I have.
INQUISITOR: Guilty or innocent?
The judge's head spins to reveal a new face.
JUDGE: Innocent.
INQUISITOR: Feed him to the Sharkticons.
VICTIM: Aaaaaaaa.......
= EUAN: Whoa! Tough room!
JUDGE: Hahahahahaha [change faces] hahahahahahaha [change faces]
hahahahahaha [change faces] hahahahahahaha.
= GRAHAM: Now, that's scary.
= BOBBI: Can you buy toys of them?
= EUAN: Who cares?
HOT ROD: We've got to get a new travel agent.
= EUAN <Kup>: Yeah, one that doesn't insist on twin-share.
QUINTESSONS ESCORTING KUP AND HOT ROD: Bah weep grah nah weep ni ni
bong...
= BOBBI: Kup, do you get the feeling that they're taking the piss?
They throw them into a cell.
HOT ROD: What is this place?
= RATBAT: Duh! It's a cell! Gordon Bennett, I wish he'd died with
Magnus...
= GRAHAM: Magnus didn't die.
= RATBAT: I wish Magnus had died.
There is a robot in the next cell, Kranix.
KRANIX: The world of the savage Sharkticons and their cruel masters,
the Quintessons. I am Kranix. My planet was destroyed by Unicron.
= GRAHAM: Oh, goody. Another mangy old fart mechanoid.
HOT ROD: Unicron? Who's Unicron?
KRANIX: A planet, that devours everything in its path.
KUP: So that's the monster's name.
= GRAHAM: I dunno - there could be two planets out there that eat stuff.
Quintessons come in and take Kranix away.
KRANIX: No please, I'm the last survivor of Linthos! No, no!
HOT ROD: Let him go! [runs into electrified bars] Aaaa!
INQUISITOR: Soon you to shall receive your sentence. Has the Imperial
Magistrate reached a verdict?
JUDGE: I have.
INQUISITOR: Guilty or innocent?
KRANIX: Spare me this mockery of justice.
= GRAHAM: Spare me this mockery of acting!
INQUISITOR: I repeat, guilty or innocent?
JUDGE: Innocent.
KRANIX: Aaaaaaa.....
= BOBBI: I really don't want to see what they do for guilty.
KUP: Not the end I'd wish for lad.
= GRAHAM: Is mine the end you'd wish for?
= RATBAT: Hot Rod just wants to get his away.
Upstairs on Quintesson, the Dinobots (still sans Snarl).
SWOOP: Me Swoop no see nothing.
= GRAHAM: Shouldn't that be 'I, Swoop, do not see anything?'
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock positive Hot Rod and Kup close.
SLAG: Me Slag say you full of baridium baloney.
= BOBBI: They're really scared of losing their identities, aren't they?
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock say you full of sesiame salamie.
SLAG: Balonium baloney!
= RECYCLED VIRGINS: Dino-fight!
WHEELIE: Friend find, look behind.
GRIMLOCK: Who say that?
= RATBAT: And for that matter, what the smeg did they say?
Wheelie appears and climbs onto Sludge's head.
WHEELIE: Friend find, look behind. You go wrong way, you fool I say.
= EUAN: Who the hell's this guy?
= RATBAT: And what the hell is he talking about?
= BOBBI: And why is there fruit down the back of my dress?
= GRAHAM: Oh, I'd been looking for that.
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock fool?
= BOBBI: Umm... I think he's got you there.
WHEELIE: Picture you got, not fool you not.
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock no like you!
= RATBAT: You Grimlock in good company.
= GRAHAM: Hey! Watch it! He's the first guy I've seen who's even come
close to Brawn!
= BOBBI <Pissano>: Always with the Brawn!
= RATBAT: You've come very close to Brawn. Right next to him, come to
that.
= EUAN: It's only humans that can't be killed, right? This guy's for
it?
= BOBBI: No such luck.
= GRAHAM: What happened to Swoop not being able to see anything?
Grimlock swipes Wheelie, who falls to the ground. He then uses a
slingshot to hit Big Grim's nose.
GRIMLOCK: Owwww! Why boy hig by node?
= EUAN: If he's a just a boy, does that mean he's going to go through
puberty?
= BOBBI <Pissano>: Always with the puberty!
= RATBAT <Pissano>: Always with the Pissano impressions!
WHEELIE: Wheelie say find friend today.
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock say we on our way.
= RATBAT: Woo-hoo! Grimlock said it, so it must be cool.
Galvatron on Unicron.
GALVATRON: Unicron, why did you torture me?
= GRAHAM <Unicron>: It turns me on.
UNICRON: You have failed.
GALVATRON: No, Unicron, Ultra Magnus is dead, and the Matrix destroyed.
= RATBAT: <Thinks about Galvie's statement> Ohhh...so that's what an
orgasm feels like.
= BOBBI: But it's not true, remember?
= RATBAT: He might have had a heart attack or something. Leave me alone.
UNICRON: The Matrix has not been destroyed, and Ultra Magnus lives, on
the planet of Junk. Find him, tear him apart, and destroy the Matrix.
= GRAHAM: You know, all Mr Spock needed was a half-decent radar and
he could have saved himself a trip.
The Planet of Junk, with Arcee and the gang.
PERCEPTOR: Make sure the fittings are securly welded.
BLURR:Absolutelypositivelydefinitely,Iwouldn'thaveitanyotherway,anyotherwa
yatall.
= BOBBI: Grrrrr...
DANIEL: Woah, this exo-suit's fantastic! I think I'm starting to get
the hang of it.
= GRAHAM: Yeaaahhh!! Hang him!
The Junkions on a hill.
WRECK-GAR: Forward, avanti, and, like, go for the gusto! ...Hang on.
Decepticons fly in.
= BOBBI: GoBots!
= EUAN: Hundreds and hundred of really pissed-off GoBots!
MAGNUS: Decepticons! We've got to draw them off and double back to the
shuttle.
= EUAN <To Ratbat>: Dry now?
ROBYN: Euan...!
The Decepticons destroy the shuttle.
SPRINGER: There goes the shuttle.
DANIEL: What do I do?
BLURR: Transform,transform,youcandoit,Iknowyoucandoit,youcandoit.
= EUAN: Ummmm...should we tell Blurr one of the fundamental
differences between humans and Transformers?
= RATBAT: No...I'm hoping Daniel will try it and break something.
DANIEL: Transform...
Comes across Scavenger and Shrapnel.
SCAVENGER: Human germ.
DANIEL: Transform!
His exosuit turns into a buggy, and he drives over the Cons.
= GRAHAM: What?
= EUAN: What the fuck's that supposed to be?
DANIEL: Yeah, hehe!
MAGNUS: Make a break for cover, I'll try and unleash the power of the
Matrix.
= RATBAT: What? He's gonna what? That's not what it's for--ah, he'll
find out.
ALL AUTOBOTS: Till all are one!
Magnus blasts down some debris as cover.
MAGNUS: Till all are one.
Magnus tries to open the Matrix.
MAGNUS: Open, dammit open. Prime, you said the Matrix would light our
darkest hour.
= BOBBI: You know what this means? It's gonna get worse!
GALVATRON: Magnus, I want the Matrix.
MAGNUS: Never!
= EUAN: Come on, Ratbat, points for trying.
= RATBAT <Same tone as Ultra>: Never! <Normal> You know the only
reason he got the leadership was 'cos he turns into a truck, and the
Autobot leader's always gotta be a truck.
= GRAHAM: Well, what about Pipes, Kup, Slow Poke, Huffer,
Wide Load, Hoist, Turbofire, Motormouth, Scorch, Longtooth,
Swerve, Heavy Tread, Sureshot, Hydraulic, Gears, Crosshairs and Landfill?
= BOBBI: I guess they were out.
GALVATRON: Sweeps, terminate him!
Scourge and his Sweeps blast Ultra Magnus to little bits. : )
MAGNUS: Uhhh, uh.
Ultra Magnus EXPLODES.
= RATBAT: Woohoo! Haaaaaahhh!!! YES!!!! Suck on that, you cheap,
Elliott Ness-impersonating Armoured Convoy rip-off!! The Planet of
Junk gets one truck bigger!!!
= GRAHAM: Oh, all right.
= RATBAT: Creag an tuire!!! Hahahahahahahahahahahaaaa...
GALVATRON: Die, die! [Catches Matrix] Unicron, my master, with this I
will make you my slave.
Shot of Unicron screaming or making some such noise.
The court on Quintesson. Kup and Hot Rod are up.
INQUISITOR: Before his imperial magistrate delivers a verdict, would
you like to beg for your lives? It sometimes helps, but not often.
KUP: I can't transform!
= GRAHAM: Then what use are ya?
HOT ROD: Keep trying.
JUDGE: Silence, or you will be held in contempt of this court.
= EUAN: So talk, Hot Rod! Talk really loud!
= RATBAT: Magnus is dead...Magnus is dead...lalalalalala...
HOT ROD: I have nothing but contempt for this court.
INQUISITOR: Guilty or innocent?
JUDGE: Innocent.
Hot Rod and Kup are dropped in with the Sharkticons.
HOT ROD: They've got more Sharkticons than we've got photon chargers.
= BOBBI: You want to know something? I bet he hasn't counted.
KUP: Then let's hold a demolition derby.
Hot Rod and Kup zoom round the tank of water they are in and are
soon out of the water zooming around amongst the Sharkticons above.
HOT ROD: Haha, didn't even bend a fender.
KUP: Yeah, but look - there's a lot more of those can-diggin' grill-
crackin' things!
= GRAHAM: Oh? And have you ever seen a Sharkticon try to dig a can or
crack a grill?
HOT ROD: We can't hold out forever, Kup, but we can give them one
humungous repair bill.
= EUAN: There's hundreds of Sharkticons and only two Autobots! Why
don't they attack them all at once?
= BOBBI: They live in the water and eat robots all day! Do you
honestly think that they might be smart?
= RATBAT: Well, Hasbro are. There's more of these guys than there are
of the Sweeps, and these guys cost twice as much.
Fight, fight, fight.
INQUISITOR: Execute them!
Slag and the Dinobots knock the door down on the Inquisitor.
SLAG: Excuse me!
= BOBBI: I'll say this for the Dinobots - they're polite.
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock want to munch metal.
= GRAHAM: Then you're in good company.
= RATBAT: Start with Hot Rod, then have Wheelie for afters.
HOT ROD: Haha, I never thought I'd be so glad to see those bozos.
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock no bozo, me king.
= GRAHAM: Then where's ya crown?
JUDGE: Sharkticons, execute them!
The Sharkticons transform.
= BOBBI: Cool! Fat Transformers!
GRIMLOCK: [Growls and stamps foot] Me Grimlock say execute them!
The Sharkticons transform think for a minute and then start chasing
after the Quintessons.
= RATBAT: And our next guests on Bad Forward Thinking Theatre: The
Quintessons.
KUP: I think the political problems on this planet will soon be solved
very shortly.
HOT ROD: Yeah, but what about our problem? We need a ship.
WHEELIE: You get ship, if I get trip.
= GRAHAM: Oh, God, it's the arsehole.
HOT ROD: Who are you?
GRIMLOCK: Him Wheelie, him friend.
= EUAN: Him really bad last-minute attempt to get the new toys into
the movie.
HOT ROD: He'll be mine too if he can find a ship.
= BOBBI: Hey, Hot Rod, Wheelie - take this ship: It's called the
Challenger...
WHEELIE: Skip stare over there.
= GRAHAM: Oh, he's not even making sense.
= RATBAT: Do you think if we slow him down, he sounds like Rick Astley?
= BOBBI: Hey...! Let's put Rick Astley in the Challenger too!
KUP: That's a ship?
= EUAN: Well, it's actually a helter-skelter, but when you're a kid
like Wheelie, if you can make-believe, it's as good as the
real thing...
= GRAHAM <Has been distracted>: FUCK ME! Where's the bottle you use
that corkscrew on!
HOT ROD: Who cares, as long as it flies.
= BOBBI: It won't.
The Autobots on the Planet of Junk go up to the remains of Ultra
Magnus.
ARCEE: Ultra Magnus...
= EUAN <Springer>: I got first dibs on his wallet.
= RATBAT: Who bets that all the cards in it are in alphabetical
order, and all the notes are in their own separate compartments?
BLURR: WithouttheMatrixthereisnohope,nohope,nohopeatall.
= BOBBI: Why after twenty-one years has everyone got a Matrix
fixation all of a sudden?
= EUAN: It made a plot.
= GRAHAM: They could have brought back Kremzeek! Brawn vs Kremzeek,
and they kill Kup, Hot Rod and Daniel in the process...
ARCEE: First Prime, now Ultra Magnus. What do we do?
= RATBAT: Thank Primus you don't turn into a truck.
Daniel starts to look sad, then points.
DANIEL: Look!
WRECK-GAR: Don't look behind door number two, Monty! It's time to play
end of the line, my valentine - geronidoronronronronronnymo!
= RECYCLED VIRGINS: Yeeeeeeeee-haaaaaaaaa!
A fight between the Junkions and the Autobots starts, with the
Junkions taking heavy damages but never staying down, always recovering.
SPRINGER: It's not hard to knock 'em down, it's getting them to stay
down that's the trick!
= RATBAT: Sit on 'em!
= GRAHAM: Yeah, sit on 'em! Sit on their faces and wriggle!
ARCEE: They're indestructible!
DANIEL: And they're everywhere!
= EUAN: If there's one thing Junkions are, it's indestructible and
everywhere-- oh. If there's two things Junkions are, it's
indestructible, everywhere and tireless! Three, sorry! If
there's three things Junkions are, it's indestructible,
everywhere, tireless, and-- oh, sod it.
WRECK-GAR: You check in, but you don't check out.
The fight continues until a ship starts to land.
= BOBBI: Not that thing again.
WRECK-GAR: Steady as she goes, Bob - snappy visitors get mud in the
eye by-and-by. Film at eleven!
ARCEE: It's Hot Rod!
= EUAN: Damndamndamndamndamndamn...
DANIEL: And Kup and the Dinobots!
= BOBBI: And some insiginificant piece of orange flotsam who not only
talks in strained rhymes, but has the silliest voice since
Grapple!
= GRAHAM: Hey - if Wheelie's an Autobot like all the others, how come
he was living on Quintesson all this time?
= EUAN: Maybe he got stuck there sometime.
= BOBBI: But if he's so young, surely he's only been there long
enough that someone else must know him?
= RATBAT: And come to that, how did Grimlock and the gang know that
the other ship was on the Planet of Junk.
= EUAN: Umm...I don't think you're supposed to worry about stuff like
that.
= GRAHAM: The scriptwriter certainly didn't.
HOT ROD: Guns aren't exactly friendly.
= RATBAT: Duh, Roddy...
KUP: Neither are they, in case you hadn't noticed.
HOT ROD: What was that universal greeting again? Never mind - I
remember. Bah weep grah nah weep ni ni bong.
WRECK-GAR: Bah weep grah nah weep ni ni bong?
HOT ROD: Bah weep grah nah weep ni ni bong!
ALL JUNKIONS: Bah weep grah nah weep ni ni bong!!
<Ratbat gets up and leaves.>
= GRAHAM: Where are you going?
= RATBAT: I'm going to look for the credibility.
The Junkions and Autobots start dancing, including Perceptor...
= BOBBI: Shake your funky groove thang, Perceptor.
...and eventually a Junkion goes and kisses Grimlock on the nose.
= EUAN <High scouse>: Eeeuuuuurrrhh, Mum! They're Frenchin'!
GRIMLOCK: Yuk! Me Grimlock not kisser, me Grimlock king!
= GRAHAM: This whole 'king' line is really starting to wear thin...
WRECK-GAR: Have a nice day. We've never been forsaking friends. Rip-rip-
a-rooty, so say the Junkions!!
[No-one seems to know what this line is - ed.]
= EUAN: Is it possible that an entire race of highly advance sentient
robots is on acid?
HOT ROD: Where'd you learn to talk like that?
= GRAHAM & BOBBI: Fuck knows.
WRECK-GAR: TV. We talk TV. You talk some TV?
KUP: I talk some TV, and now the news, don't touch that dial.
= EUAN <John Hinde>: ...and tonight's film is a personal favourite of
mine.
WRECK-GAR: By George, kimosabes your smashed-up friend soon like brand
new with ninety day warranty.
While Wreck-Gar is talking other Junkions come and put Ultra Magnus
back together again.
<Ratbat returns to the room.>
= RATBAT: Anything happen while I was gone?
= BOBBI: Like what?
= RATBAT: Well, Wreck-Gar, the cool one. Did he do any more cool stuff?
= BOBBI: Um...he repaired Ultra Magnus.
= RATBAT: Wreck-Gar SUCKS!
WRECK-GAR: Happy motoring, cocka-doodledooooo!
DANIEL: Look, he's alive.
= RATBAT: Bugger shit piss fuck.
ULTRA MAGNUS: You're all alive.
= RATBAT: Kill him again. Make it look like an accident. No, don't
even bother. It'll be a mercy killing.
HOT ROD: The Matrix?
= BOBBI: Matrix, Matrix, Matrix...
ULTRA MAGNUS: It's gone.
= EUAN: And whose fault is that?
KUP: And with it all hope.
= GRAHAM: Now, do you guys remember? When Optimus was around, the
Autobots had this thing called resourcefulness...
HOT ROD: No!
ARCEE: Galvatron has it.
HOT ROD: Where's Galvatron, where is he?
WRECK-GAR: And the answer is...Unicron.
HOT ROD: Then we've got to destroy Unicron!
= RATBAT: Erm, Hot Rod, are you even listening? The reason you need
the Matrix right now is to fight Unicron. If you destroy Unicron
to get it back...oh, I don't know why I'm bothering.
= EUAN: You don't know why you're bothering with Hot Rod?
= RATBAT: I don't know why I'm bothering talking to the TV.
WRECK-GAR: Yes, friends, act now destroy Unicron, kill the grand
poobah, eliminate even the toughest stains. No fuss, no muss. Hurry hurry
hurry, sale must end, rush right on down and test drive latest model with no
obligation.
Starts operating controls and a ship rises out of the ground.
= GRAHAM: Handy.
WRECK-GAR: New improved Junkion planet is sleek sexy import with turbo
handling.
JUNKIONS: Destroy Unicron, kill the grand poobah, eliminate even the
toughest stains. Destroy Unicron, kill the grand poobah, eliminate even
the toughest stains...
The Junkions and Autobots board the shuttles, which then leave
Junkion.
Galvatron before Unicron, the Matrix around his neck.
GALVATRON: Unicron, Unicron, answer me! See this, the Matrix, I now
possess that which you most fear, you will do my bidding or taste my
wrath.
= GRAHAM: Taste my what?
= BOBBI: Wrath. Get your mind out of the gutter.
= GRAHAM: Huhhuuhuh. You said gutter...
UNICRON: You underestimate me Galvatron.
Unicron transforms into a huge robot.
= EUAN & RATBAT: 100% PURE BEEF!!!!
UNICRON: For a time I had considered sparing your wretched little
planet Cybertron, but now you shall witness...its dismemberment!
= RATBAT: Hey! He's not moving his lips!
= EUAN: I think what with being nearly omnipotent and all, he can
manage a couple of PA speakers.
GALVATRON: Noooooo!!
Unicron lays into Cybertron.
SHOCKWAVE: [As Unicron starts attacking Cybertron] Decepticons, we're
under attack! Scramble!
= BOBBI: I thought Shockwave was the logic guy. Isn't the logical
thing to do to pissbolt?
The Decepticons on Cybertron, well, scramble. Unicron eats some
Seekers, and Galvatron transforms and starts shooting at Unicron, so
Unicron picks him and and swallows him.
= RATBAT: Hang about! The Matrix is the thing he's afraid most in the
whole universe, right? It's like total poison anthema nasty,
yes?
= EUAN: Mmm-hmm?
= RATBAT: So he eats it?
= EUAN, GRAHAM & RATBAT: Unicron's full of shit!
= BOBBI: What did I tell you about picking holes in the script?
= RATBAT: You said that if I did, you wouldn't let me sleep with Euan.
= BOBBI: Exactly. So?
= RATBAT: I'm celibate, not desperate.
= EUAN: Uh...don't I get to say something here?
= BOBBI & RATBAT: Who are you?
The two ships from the Planet of Junk enter the area and see what's
happening.
SPRINGER: I don't believe it.
HOT ROD: Doesn't this remind you of anything, Kup?
= GRAHAM <Kup>: Galactus.
KUP: Nope, never seen anything like this before.
= RATBAT: You would if tried some of that stuff Hot Rod's got hidden
in his trunk.
DANIEL: What happened to Moonbase 2? Where's my dad?
= EUAN: Well...you know how everyone kept losing the Spike figure
from their Fortress Maximus toy? It's kind of like that.
= RATBAT: Only in this case, the dog ate it.
= GRAHAM: And the V-Dub. The dog ate the car, too.
HOT ROD: That's what we're gonna find out.
They fly towards Unicron, who gobshoots the Junkion flagship.
Aboard:
WRECK-GAR: Brand-A enamel! Resists fire rain and corrosion for up to 5
years, satisfaction guaranteed!
= BOBBI: Who let Perceptor aboard the Junkie ship?
= EUAN: Talk about communication problems. They wouldn't be able to
take off. <Perceptor> Wreck-Gar, it is imperative that we
initiate an ascending motion in order to expedite our imminent
departure.
= RATBAT <Wreck-Gar>: Just push the button, Frank - we're going to
boldly go where no-one has gone before.
JUNKIONS: Or your money back!!!
The shuttle with Hot Rod, Kup, Arcee, Springer and Daniel in it
crashes through Unicron's eye.
= BOBBI: I just realised what bloody huge contact lenses Unicron must
use.
= EUAN <Sarcasm>: Why, pray tell, did you realise such a thing?
= BOBBI: 'cos his eyes are really big.
= GRAHAM: His eyes are bigger than his stomach.
= RATBAT: What else do you expect from a cannibalistic planet?
All jump out of it and Hot Rod is separated from the others.
DANIEL: Where's Hot Rod?
= BOBBI: Digested, with any luck...
SPRINGER: I don't know, but I hope they didn't get him!
Points to a whole heap of tentacles with claws on the ends.
= GRAHAM: Right on! I hope something worse got him!
ARCEE: Quick, this way!
They run off. Cut to Hot Rod who comes upon Galvatron with the
Matrix.
= EUAN: Has anyone noticed how well designed Unicron's insides are
for walking around in?
= RATBAT: It looks like an Andrew Skilleter mural.
= GRAHAM: That would be fascinating if I knew who he was.
HOT ROD: The Matrix...!
GALVATRON: It will do you no good, Autobot - it cannot be opened.
HOT ROD: Not by a Decepticon.
= RATBAT: Aye, Megs. It's called the 'Autobot Matrix of Leadership'.
Doesn't that tell you something?
= GRAHAM: Megs?
= RATBAT: Megatron.
= GRAHAM: Don't call him Megatron, he doesn't like it.
= RATBAT: But 'Galvatron' doesn't mean anything!
= GRAHAM <Under breath>: And 'Urac' does...?
= RATBAT: What was that?
= GRAHAM: I've got a big one.
GALVATRON: Like it or not, we are allies now, against a common foe. Aahh!
= BOBBI: He's a world-eating dark god robot the size of a planet! Is
that his idea of common!?
= EUAN: He doesn't mean common like that.
= RATBAT: No, he means that Unicron has no breeding and wipes his
nose on his sleeve.
Unicron attacks Galvatron.
UNICRON: Destroy him, Galvatron, now - or you yourself will be
obliterated.
= EUAN: There's at least three other Autobots inside him. Why is he
paying so much attention to Hot Rod?
= RATBAT: For Hot Rod will suck out his credibility from within.
= GRAHAM: Can't be.
= BOBBI: That implies that Hot Rod would have some left afterwards.
GALVATRON: Of course...my master.
Nice fighting scenes.
GALVATRON: Puny Autobot! You lack even Prime's courage...
= EUAN: More like he remembered the last fight between this guy and
Prime, and he doesn't want to meet him in the afterlife...
Shot of Unicron defending himself.
= EUAN: Ermm...the scale's gone...
Grimlock and the Dinobots as they move in to attack Unicron.
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock kick butt.
He and the other Dinobots literally do this, charging at Unicron's
behind. Unicron swipes and they fly off.
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock need new strategy.
= BOBBI: Yes, Grimlock. One that doesn't involve flying right in
front of Unicron's face.
= RATBAT: That was Snarl's fault. If he hadn't been skiving off the
whole time, Grimlock wouldn't have been distracted and Unicron
would be dead by now.
= EUAN: In your dreams, Ratti...
= GRAHAM: Oh? That's not what Grimlock does in my dreams...
We now see Daniel and the other bots bar Hot Rod, inside Unicron,
being chased by some claws on the ends of moving vinesthings.
DANIEL: [Falls] Help, help!
= EUAN <Springer>: We can't wait. He'll have to take care of himself,
come on!
ARCEE: Daniel!
= RATBAT: Glendamn Marvel female stereotype...
Arcee and the other bots, who were running, turn round and starts
blasting to free Daniel, Arcee hits the wall and water starts flooding
the corridor, all are swept off with Daniel being seperated from the others.
= EUAN: Whoops!
= BOBBI <Arcee/goes>: Don't ask me...I'm just an Autobot. <Titter>
DANIEL: Arcee, Kup!
Daniel is swept all over the place, and comes across an acid vat
with bodies being dropped in.
= BOBBI: Hey...I want the toy of that! <Evil gleam>
UNKNOWN:Arrrrrrrrgh!
= GRAHAM: Oh, my God! That poor extra!
= BOBBI: Graham, it's only a cartoon!
<The other three glare at her.>
= EUAN: What's that supposed to mean?
= BOBBI: It's not real!
= RATBAT: Insane. Dangerous she is.
Daniel sees Spike overhead on a claw, about to be dropped in the
acid. Not to mention the other Moonbase staff.
= EUAN: Are we supposed to believe that they've just been waiting in
line all this time?
DANIEL: Dad!
SPIKE: Daniel!
= BOBBI: I bet you he was hoping for a real Autobot.
= GRAHAM: Like Brawn! Oh, Brawn, why did you leave us?
= BOBBI: Because he died!
= GRAHAM: Well, that's true...
DANIEL: Dad, what can I do?
SPIKE: Knock down the acid cover!
DANIEL: How?
SPIKE: Blast it, son!
DANIEL: But I don't have a gun.
= RATBAT: Ah, well. Kersploot. No more Spike.
SPIKE: Use your exo-suit. Hurry!!
Daniel's suit does something weird and fires, knocking down half the
acid cover.
= EUAN: And in gratitude, Bumblebee and Cliffjumper will do the Dance
of Joy! <Sings> Dadada...dada...slip, whoooooaaaa....
SPIKE: Daniel, you did it!
DANIEL: Yeah, I did it.
= RECYCLED VIRGINS: Shit.
We return to Galvatron to see him looking for Hot Rod.
GALVATRON: Come out, Autobot, we all must die sometime!
HOT ROD: Not today, Galvatron! [Smacks Galvatron in the face]
= RATBAT: I bet Galvie wishes he'd finished him on Earth.
= BOBBI: I wish Galvie had finished him on Earth.
Hot Rod transforms and zips away, Galvatron fires after him, Hot Rod
returns fire, Galvatron fires as Hot Rod charges.
GALVATRON: EurrrHhh!!
Galvatron catches Hot Rod in his grasp.
GALVATRON: I will crush you with my bare hands...die, Autobot.
= GRAHAM: Why is he trying to strangle a robot?
= EUAN: To kill him!
Outisde, Unicron shatters the Junkion ship.
= BOBBI: I guess that's what happens if you make a ship out of junk.
GALVATRON: First Prime, then Ultra Magnus, now...you. It's a pity you
Autobots die so easily, or I might have a sense of satisfaction now.
= RATBAT: ...and here we see Galvatron foreshadowing his future
insanity by use of the bizarre non-sequitor.
Hot Rod grasps the Matrix and Galvatron is flung off as a
transformation occurs to Hot Rod, becoming Rodimus Prime.
OPTIMUS' VOICE: Arise, Rodimus Prime.
RODIMUS: Optimus...
= EUAN: Sweet, loving Optimus.
= RATBAT: Massive Optimus.
= BOBBI: Sexy Optimus.
= GRAHAM: Cocksman Optimus, the mighty fucker!
GALVATRON: No!
He shoots a few times, eventually knocking the Matrix out of
Rodimus' hands.
RODIMUS: This is the end of the road, Galvatron.
= GRAHAM: What's happened?
= RATBAT: Rodimus opened the Matrix...
= EUAN: ...and he became cool!
Rodimus Prime picks Galvatron up and simply throws him out of
Unicron into space.
RODIMUS: [Opening the Matrix] Now, light our darkest hour.
Blue lifelight starts to flood the place, oozing all through the
chaos-bringer.
= EUAN: Now, that's a trick.
= GRAHAM: Can you buy a Unicron toy?
= BOBBI: I think it won't matter in a few seconds.
Unicron starts to blow up, ripping himself apart and simply
exploding. Spike, plus Jazz, Bumblebee and Cliffjumper run into where
Springer and the others are.
SPRINGER: Spike, Daniel!
SPIKE: Springer! What's going on?
SPRINGER: No time to answer that now, let's get outta here!
The Autobots start running for any way out when Daniel spots Rodimus
Prime running towards them.
DANIEL: Look.
RODIMUS: Autobots - transform, and roll out!
<Recycled Virgins cheer.>
= EUAN: Full points for delivery!
KUP: I knew you had potential, lad.
= BOBBI: He sure had us fooled.
The Autobots depart through Unicrons intact eye just as he starts
his final destruction.
UNICRON: Destiny...you cannot destroy..my destineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!
Unicron is finally destroyed.
= RATBAT: And the quarterback is toast!
= GRAHAM: Shut up.
A scene on Cybertron, all the Autobots are assembled, with Wheelie
and Wreck-Gar (probably the other Junkions too). Including Ultra Magnus.
= RATBAT: Bugger it, and I thought he was planet-bait.
RODIMUS: Let this mark the end of the Cybertronian wars as we march
forward to a new age of peace and happiness.
= EUAN: I doubt it. It wouldn't make a very good show.
RODIMUS: Till all are one!
ALL ASSEMBLED: Till all are one!
Till all are one!
Till all are one!
= GRAHAM: Till all are one.
= RATBAT: Now you shut up.
ANNOUNCER: The battle is over, but the galaxy-spanning adventures of
the Transformers will continue...
= EUAN: Told you.
ANNOUNCER: ...and the greatest Autobot of them all...
= GRAHAM: Brawn!
ANNOUNCER: ...Optimus Prime...
= GRAHAM: Is he bringing Brawn with him?
ANNOUNCER: ...will return.
= GRAHAM: Brawn's in his trailer, right?
THE END
= GRAHAM: Er.
CREDITS
=======
Kranix Norm Alden
Astrotrain Jack Angel
Prowl
Scrapper
Swoop
Junkion Michael Bell
Grimlock Gregg Berger
Arcee Susan Blu
= BOBBI: Why is she called Blu if she's pink?
Devastator Arthur Burghardt
Spike
Brawn
= GRAHAM: He shall not grow old, as we who are left grow old...
= RATBAT: Give it a rest.
Shockwave Corey Burton
Cyclonus
Quintesson Leader Roger C Carmel
Narrator Victor Caroli
Quintesson Judge Rege Cordic
Optimus Prime
Ironhide Peter Cullen
Jazz Scatman Crothers
= BOBBI: Skee-bap-ba-doo...
Dirge Bud Davis
Inferno Walker Edmiston
= EUAN: Hands up everyone who actually saw Inferno.
Perceptor Paul Eiding
Blitzwing Ed Gilbert
Bumblebee Dan Gilvezan
Wreck-Gar Eric Idle
Blaster Buster Jones
Scourge Stan Jones
Cliffjumper Casey Kasem
Starscream Chris Latta
Daniel David Mendenhall
Scavenger Don Messick
Blurr John Moschitta
Hot Rod
Rodimus Prime Judd Nelson
Galvatron Leonard Nimoy
= EUAN: Shall we do a Mr Spock joke?
= RATBAT: That would be...illogical.
Shrapnel Hal Rayle
Kickback Clive Revill
Bonecrusher
Hook
Springer
Slag Neil Ross
Ultra Magnus Robert Stack
= RATBAT: Right. Now I've got the bastard's name.
= BOBBI: What are you going to do to him?
= RATBAT: Nothin'. I 'aven't got his address.
Kup Lionel Stander
Unicron Orson Welles
Soundwave
Megatron
Rumble
Frenzy
Wheelie
Junkion Frank Welker
= BOBBI: Busy man.
Transformers, Autobots, Decepticons, the Autobot & Decepticon insignia,
all comic and TV Characters are copyright of Hasbro inc.
<The credits finish and the video stops.>
= EUAN: Oh.
= BOBBI: Um.
= GRAHAM: Ah.
= RATBAT: Ooh.
= EUAN: Well, what did we make of that?
= GRAHAM: I made a movie out of it.
= BOBBI: So - what should we do now?
= GRAHAM: Well, the way I see it, we can end the night one of three
ways: (A) we listen to a William Shatner record, (B) we all
have sex with each other, or (C) we just do something totally
surreal.
= RATBAT: Oh.
= EUAN: We're a bit spoiled for choice, aren't we?
<There is a pause while all four sit there. Then, slowly, it
starts to rain fruit in the room, and we fade up on William
Shatner's Mr Tambourine Man. With it, we dissolve to black to
scroll:>
END CREDITS.
Graham
GRAHAM HENSTOCK
Euan
EUAN BOWEN
Bobbi
ROBYN SCHOLES
Ratbat
URAC SIGMA
Written and created by
URAC SIGMA
but shamelessly ripped off from
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000
2. INT. JUST OUTSIDE WALLBANGER MAIN ROOM. NIGHT.
<A corridor or something. Pieces of clothing and underwear
from Bobbi, Graham and Euan are thrown into shot. Then, all of
Ratbat herself is. Well, what do you expect? If Ratbat was
around when you were trying to have sex, you'd throw her out,
too.>
3. EXT. OUTSIDE WALLBANGER. NIGHT.
<Laserbeak hovers by the window, peeking in with her camera
extended. After a few seconds, she retracts it, shakes her
head, and flies away. She doesn't get far before she slams
into a tree and slumps to the ground. Fade out.>
© Urac Sigma
RV Enterprises/Recycadelic Cacti Productions MCMXCVI
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Visit Ratbat at http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/1778/ for more TF fun.)