Be alert. Your country needs lerts.
Activation Energy: The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of coffee.
Say it with flowers. Buy her a triffid.
Make something idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
In a world without fences and borders, who needs windows and gates?
Always remember that you're unique: just like everybody else.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Error: No keyboard. [A]bort, [R]etry, [F]ail?
The problem is that there's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Hard work has a future pay-off. Laziness pays off now.
What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Methinks that the gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
Change is envitable, except from a snack machine.
Old soldiers never die; young ones do.
If you're right 98% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
Avoid cliches like the plague.
Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?
"That may be true, Sir, but I have a large hammer."
All's well that ends.
Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
The road to success is usually under construction.
Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.
Cynicism is merely an unpleasant way of speaking the truth.
You want it quick. You want it good. You want it cheap. Pick two and call me back.
Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.
This is a crude version of a more advanced utility that doesn't exist.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy", until you can find a rock.
Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound.
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers.
Floggings will continue until morale improves.
Ignorance simplifies ANY problem.
When anyone says 'theoretically', they really mean not really.
I like work. It fascinates me: I can sit and look at it for hours.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Computers are the most fun you can have with anything that isn't breathing.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean the whole world really isn't out to get you.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Work expands to fill the time allotted it.
There are no bugs, only unrecognized features.
There are no saints, only unrecognized villains.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
Backwards compatibility? It means we get to keep all of our old mistakes.
A man with a sharp wit? Quick, take it away before he cuts himself.
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.
You want it done cheap, you want it done fast and you want it done well. Pick 2, call us back.
Those men who don't understand women fall into two groups: bachelors and husbands.
Anything good in life is immoral, illegal or fattening. Anything else causes cancer in rats.
She's a photographic sort of girl: under-developed, over-exposed and at her best in a dark room.
Bisexuality doubles your chance for a date on a Saturday night. (Woody Allen)
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone you love. (Woody Allen)
The meek shall inherit the earth. In pine boxes six foot by two foot...
The meek are contesting the will.
Abandon hope, all ye who press ENTER here.
Murphy's Law: Anything which can go wrong, will.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Arsonists of the world, ignite!
Apathetics of the world, unite, if you can be bothered.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Unattended children will be sold as slaves.
Just remember that you're unique, just like everybody else.
You're as much use as the Pope's testicles.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you're not getting any.
Sex is like maths. Add bed, subtract clothes, divide legs and multiply.
Sex is like snow. You never know how much you're going to get or how long it'll last.