Football predictions: I look for the TV networks to provide 19,000 third-down situations, all of them Crucial. In any group of five players, I look for four of them to be Probably the Most Underrated in the League. I look for Second Effort, Good Hang Time, and a Quick Release. I look for yet another Classic Super Bowl Matchup like the one we had last year between two teams whose names escape me at the moment.
No matter how old you get, in your parents' minds you will always have the wisdom and emotional maturity of Beaver Cleaver.
Growing older is a Major Lifestyle Trend, potentially even bigger than cable television.
Early American Novel: The most famous novelist of this era was Cliff, the author of the famous "Cliff Notes", a series of works that are still immensely popular with high school students. The best known, of course, is "The Scarlet Ladder", which tells the story of a short man named Miles Standish, who lived in a tall house with seven people named Gable, only to be killed in a sled crash with an enormous white whale. This was to become a recurring theme in colonial literature.
I'm glad I got into beer-making, because the beer sold here in the United States is sweet and watery and lacking in taste and overcarbonated and just generally the lamest, wimpiest beer in the entire known world. All the other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer, and we are drinking Barry Manilow.
When the advertising industry wants to convey the concept of glamour, it fills its commercials with beautiful young people who have Ph.D.'s in bodily tautness, writhing sensuously around the product as though it's making them so excited that at any moment they're going to have sex with each other, or possibly even the product.
People who wear contact lenses are always weeping and blinking, and their eyes turn red, as though their mothers had just died. You want to go up to them on the street and say "There, there," and maybe give them money.
Your brain never remembers things you should remember. If you were bleeding to death and the emergency-room doctor asked you what type you were, you'd say: "I think it's B. Or maybe C. I'm pretty sure it's a letter."
If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one would know the theme song from "The Beverly Hillbillies."
Cross-country skiing has become very popular in recent years because it is highly "aerobic," a term health experts use to describe how dull an activity is.
When I hear the word "filthy" used to describe a bathroom, I think about this bar where I used to hang out called Joe's Sportman's Lounge, where the men's room had bacteria you could enter in a rodeo.
Human beings dated as far back as ancient times, as is shown by the biblical quotation: "And Balzubio DID taketh Parasheeba to a restaurant, and they DID eateth potato skins."
If armed terrorists had tried to hijaak any of the flights I've been on lately, we passengers would have swiftly beaten them to death with those hard rolls you get with your in-flight meal. Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with.
Estrogen is the hormone that causes certain distinct female characteristics such as ovulation and the ability not to watch football.
The last time I remember protesting anything with any real passion was when I was at a professional basketball game and the arena management decided to stop selling beer in the fourth quarter.
Wood heat is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you come back.
WHAT WOMEN WANT
To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held.WHAT MEN WANT:Tickets for the World Series.
Despite the fact that Great Britain has been unable to produce a car that can be driven all the way across a shopping mall parking lot without major engine failure, Americans think that anything British is really terrific.
The desire to own a home of one's own has been a part of human nature ever since that fateful moment, millions of years ago, when our earlist ancestors climbed down out of their trees and moved into their very first caves. It was a major moment in history, and its glory was dimmed only slightly by the fact that their furniture did not arrive for another 250,000 years.
Which of the following statements best describes you feelings toward children?
A. "Put that down this instant!"
B. "I said put that down!"
C. "Never put your finger in that part of the doggy!!"
Get rid of your cat. Cats are scum. You've read newspaper stories about elderly widows who die and leave their entire estates to their pet cats, right? Well, your cat reads those stories too, and has spent most of its skulking, devious little life dreaming about inheriting all your money. You know where it goes when it disappears for hours at a time? Investment seminars, that's where.
There's no reason for us to feel that getting older should stop us from having sex. Our role model in this area should be such biblical stud muffins as Job, who, if I remember my Sunday school lessons correctly, remained sexually active for several hundred years. Of course I vaguely recall that at one point in the story, all of Job's cattle and relatives died and he got boils all over his body, which should serve as a reminder to all of us, no matter what our age, of the importance of practicing safe sex.
The most effective method of birth control for males is the one where, just when the male and female are about to engagae in sex, the friends of the male burst out of the bushes and yell and jump up and down on the bumper and spray shaving cream all over the car. The problem is that this method is pretty much limited to teenage males.
I'm assuming that you're like most of us Boomers in the sense that, musically, you have always considered yourself to be a Major Hipster. Why not? Hey, we were frontline troops in the Rock 'n' Roll Revolution, right? We knew the dirty words to "Louie Louie," including the ones that did not actually exist. We knew the Beach Boys when they could sing and Elvis when he was alive the first time.
The word "sauna" is Finnish for "very hot little room with strangers in it breathing funny," and people who've tried it agree that it's a very invigorating experience, provided you get out in time. The usual temperature inside a sauna is 180 degrees, which you may recognize as the recommended final temperature for cooked turkeys, very few of which live to tell about it.
The word "aerobics" comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withstand tremendous boredom." This is the difference between a world-class marathon runner and a normal person: a world-class marathon runner has undergone sufficient aerobic conditioning that he can run for nearly three hours without falling asleep, whereas a normal person will quit after a few minutes and look for something interesting to do.
We have been deeply into dinosaurs for some time now. We have a great many plastic dinosaurs around the house. Sometimes I think we have more plastic dinosaurs than plastic robots, if you can imagine.
Why do we get older? Why can't we just go on and on and on, accumulating a potentially infinite number of Frequent Flyer mileage points?
Unless you die, you will continue to get older.
Most home projects are impossible, which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up yourself for far less money.
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
Americans did very little ski jumping until the television program "Wide World of Sports" began showing a promotional film snippet in which a ski jumper hurtles off the edge of the chute, completely out of control, with various important organs flying out of his body. Fitness buffs saw this and realized that any activity with such great potential for being fatal must be very good for you.
American men tend to take their sports seriously, much more seriously than they take family matters or Asia.
Children's birthday party serving suggestion: If you're running behind schedule, you may save yourself time by bypassing the children and rubbing the fudge sauce directly onto the drapes.
Nobody knows how transmissions work, or even where they come from. They just arrive at car factories in unmarked crates, and the workers put them into cars. Many people believe transmissions are created by beings from other solar systems. There is evidence to support this theory, namely transmission manuals, which contain bizarre diagrams and deranged alien commands.
Air fares are now assigned by a machine called the Random Air Fare Generator, which is programmed to ensure that on any given flight (1) no two people will pay the same fare, and (2) everybody else will pay less than you.
Sometime is a scientific unit of measurement meaning "in approximately 43 hillion jillion years," as in "Let's have lunch sometime."
You must remember that when you are pregnant, you are eating for two. But you must also remember that the other of you is about the size of a golf ball, so let's not go overboard with it. I mean, a lot of pregnant women eat as though the other person they're eating for is Orson Welles.
I wonder whatever happened to that little boy who used to do the Oscar Mayer commercials. Remember? The one who claimed that his baloney had a first name, and it was O-S-C-A-R? I wonder if that child didn't run into problems later in life. ("OK, pal. You and Oscar there are under arrest.")
Your skin performs several vital functions. For example, it keeps people from seeing the inside of your body, which is repulsive, and it prevents your organs from falling out onto the ground, where careless pedestrians might step on them.
When Lincoln assumed the presidency, he was clean-shaven, but one day he got a letter from a little girl suggesting that he grow a beard. So he did, and he thought it looked pretty good, so he decided to keep it. A short while later, he got another letter from the little girl, this time suggesting that he wear mascara and rouge and maybe a simple string of pearls. Fortunately, just then the Civil War broke out.
I am all in favor of wildlife, as long as it stays in its place, which is Africa. I believe that if God had wanted us to share our homes with insects, He would not have made them so unattractive.
One day in the winter of 1848, a worker was digging in a pond on the northern California farm of Swiss immigrant Johann Sutter. Suddenly the man stopped and stared, for there, gleaming through the muck on his shovel blade, was a discovery that was to transform the entire California territory almost overnight: a movie camera.
King Arthur was able to unite the various English tribes and drive off the Vikings via the bold and resourceful maneuver of serving them relentlessly bland food, a tradition that remains in England to this day despite numerous armed attempts by the French to invade with sauces.
What you want, from your career, is a sense of fulfillment as a human being and maximum personal satisfaction as measured in US dollars. You want a Rolex watch and numerous fast cars. You want employees so desperate for your approval that you could put your cigar out on their foreheads and they'd thank you. You want to be able to leave Supreme Court justices on "hold" for upwards of an hour.
One day in 1957 everybody in the United States was minding his or her own business when suddenly the Russians launched a grapefruit-size object called Sputink (literally, "Little Sput") into an Earth orbit, from which it began transmitting back the following potentially vital intelligence information (and we quote): "Beep." This came as a sevre shock to the Americans, because at that point the best our space scientists had been able to come up with was a walnut-sized object that went: "Moo."
Wood has been the preferred building material for thousands of years, because it is one of the few materials that will rot as well as burn.
Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, dating back to the time, millions of years ago, when the first primitive man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first primitive umpire.
Ski jumping got its start as a symptom of mental illness in northern climates such as Norway and Sweden, where it is cold and dark and there is very little to do except pay taxes. After a while, the strain gets to peole, and they suddenly leap up, barge out, don skis, and launch themselves off giant chutes.
At the hospital as soon as they find out what your Blue Cross number is they pounce on you with needles the size of turkey basters.
The only surefire way to get rid of roaches is to remove all the liquor from your house. Roaches can mate only when they're drunk. Can you blame them? Would you mate with a roach if you were sober?
For several centuries marriages were arranged by the parents, based on such things as how much cattle the bride and the groom would each bring to the union. Often the young couple wouldn't even meet until the wedding, and sometimes they were not strongly atrracted to each other. Sometimes, quite frankly, they preferred the cattle. So now we feel that dating is probably a better system.
My son, despite constant exposure to my taste in music, does not choose to listen to "classic rock." When he's in control of the radio, he tunes it to a different kind of music, a now kind of music that can only be described- and I do not mean to be making any value judgments here- as "stupid."
The basic fitness fashion for women is the leotard and tights, which is the preferred outfit because it shows every bodily flaw a women has, no matter how minute, so that a woman who, disguised in her street clothes, looks like Victoria Principal will, when she puts on her leotard, transform herself into Bertha the Amazing Land Whale.
Oh, sure, the women's magazines keep saying that it's no longer important to look young, that maturity is "in." But they never use normal mature women to illustrate this point. They use Cher, for God's sake, a woman who has had so much cosmetic surgery that, for ease of maintenance, many of her body parts are attched with Velcro.
In primitive times, having a baby was very inexpensive. When women were ready to give birth, they simply went off and squatted in a field; this cost nothing except for a nominal field-rental charge. Today, of course, the medical profession prefers that you have your baby in a hospital, because only there can doctors, thanks to the many advances in medical equipment and techniques, receive large sums of money.
Yeast is a wonderful little plant or animal that, despite teh fact that it has only one cell, has figured out how to convert sugar to alcohol. This was a far greater accomplishment than anything we can attribute to giant multicelled organisms as, for example, the Secretariat of Transportation.
When primitive humans first came along, they did not engage in business as we now think of it. They engaged in squatting around in caves naked. This went on for, I would say, roughly two or three million years, when all of a sudden a primitive person, named Oog, came up with an idea. "Why not," he said, "pile thousands of humongous stones on top of each other in the desert to form great big geometric shapes?" Well, evreybody thought this was an absolutely terrific idea... It wasn't until several thousand years later that they realized they had been suckered into a classic "pyramid" scheme, and of course by that time, Oog was in the Bahamas.
Foreign persons for some reason believe that everyday household objects and vegetables are "masculine" or "feminine." For example, French persons believe that potatoes are feimine, even though they (potatoes) do not have sexual organs, that I have noticed. Dogs, on the other hand, are masculine, even if they are not. (This does not mean, by the way, that a dog can have sex with a potato, although it will probably try.)
Wales is this linguistically deformed area that apparently is too poor to afford vowels. All the road signs look like this: LLWLNCWNRLLWNWRLLN - 3 km. It is a tragic sight indeed to see Welsh parents attempting to sing traditional songs such as "Old McDonald Had a Farm" to their children and lapsing into heart-rending silence when they get to the part about "E-I-E-I-O."
The easiest way to install paneling is to simply lean it up against the walls all around the room. This way, you can remove it quickly and hide it in the garage when tasteful visitors come to call.
The Statue of Liberty, a gift from the French that had been dedicated in 1886 in a spectacular ceremony featuring a thousand John Philip Sousa impersonators, was placed in New York Harbor, where its raised torch served as a welcoming beacon of hope and freedom to millions of oppressed and downtrodden fish. Then someone came up with the idea of taking it out of the water and putting it on an island.
Have you ever wondered why, of all the colors they had to choose from, major appliance manufacturers for many years insisted on making everything Harvest Gold or Avocado, two of the ugliest colors ever devised by the mind of man, colors more appropriate for stomach secretions than home decorating?
Bison herds must have been an awe-inspiring sight: millions of huge, majestic animals, forming humongous herds, their hooves thundering like, we don't know, thunder or something, roaming from the Mississippi River all the way across the Great Plains to the Rocky Mountains, which they would smash into headfirst at speeds ranging upward of thirt-five miles per hour, then fall down. They were majestic, those bison, but stupid.
In the fifteenth century, many people believed that the world was flat. Today, of course, we know that this is true only in heavily Protestant states such as Iowa.
Always remember this: your subordinates are not machines. They are human beings, with the same needs, the same wants, and the same dreams as you. Okay, maybe not all the same dreams. Probably they don't have the one where you're naked in a vat of Yoo-Hoo with the Soviet gymnastics team.
Benjamin Franklin, in a famous experiment, sought to prove his theory that if you flew a kite in a rainstorm, a huge chunk of electricty would come shooting down the string and damage your brain. Sure enough, he was right, and he spent the rest of his days making bizarre, useless, and unintelligible statements such as: "A penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he became so dodderingly pathetic that he had to be placed in charge of the U.S. Postal Service.
If you were to open up a baby's head- and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should- you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
Children are capable of learning to read much earlier than we give them credit for. Why, Mozart was only two years old when he wrote "Moby Dick"!
Today, as grownups, we're all so busy rushing madly around trying to meet the demands of families, friends, careers, homes, etc., that we barely have time for personal hygiene, which many people now are forced to perform in the car. Driving to work, I have seen women styling their hair, putting on makeup, sometimes even sticking their arms out the windows on both sides of the car to be worked on by professional manicurists riding motorcycles.
The 1980s will be remembered as a time when the nation broke free of the confining chains of the left-leaning bleeding-heart gutless namby-pamby Mister Pouty Pants Liberal school of political thought that had dominated the American political landscape evre since the New Deal; a time when Americans began Standing Tall, Talking Proud, Feeling Good, Sitting Straight, Pledging Allegiance, and Eating More Fiber.
GRAPHICS- the ability to make pie charts and bar graphs, which are the universal business method for making abstract concepts, such as "three," comprehensible to morons like your boss.
What's the secret of a happy marriage? Call me a romantic if you want, but for me, the answer is the same simple, beautiful idea that has been making relationships work for thousands of years: seperate bathrooms.
One popular new plastic surgery technique is called lipgrafting, or "fat recycling," wherein fat cells are removed from one part of your body that is too large, such as your buttocks, and injected into your lips; people will then be literally kissing your ass.
Men and women do not feel the same way about dirt at all. Men and women don't even see dirt the same way. Women, for some hormonal reason, can see individual dirt molecules, whereas men tend not to notice them until they join together into clumps large enough to support commercial agriculture.
HOW WOMEN SHOULD DRESS: In terms of your business wardrobe, you want to adopt a fashion look that has become the standard for the woman on the corporate fast track, a look that can best be described as: Modified Nun. This conveys to the men in your corporation that you are not a sex object, but an authority figure who must be taken seriously because at any moment you might strike them on the hands with a ruler.
WHEN TO ACTUALLY START YOUR FITNESS PROGRAM: Not today certainly, You've done enough today! I would rule tomorrow out, also, seeing as how it comes so soon after today. You rush into these things, and the next thing you know you've strained a ligament or something. So I'd say the best time to begin would be the first thing after Easter, although not the one coming up.