Well, some people wonder how it is possible for so many errors to pop up
in movies like Transformers: the Movie. It's very simple, really. The
script changes so much that by the time we see the movie, it has changed
immeasurably. For example, here is the never-before-seen ORIGINAL script
to Transformer: the Movie! Be warned before you continue: this script
actually solves some of the inconsistencies introduced in the movie!
Transformers: The Movie
Scene: Lithone. A dance club.
Ablus: Boy, it sure is great that Disco came back into style, huh?
Kranix: What, are you kidding me? There are at least a dozen major
public interest groups outside protesting this!
Crowd outside: Disco goodbye! Or we're all gonna die!
Arblus: Oh, come on! Don't tell me you also belive those silly legends
about how a giant demi-god's gonna destroy our planet if Disco ever
becomes popular again!
(Suddenly, the dance club's ceiling flies off the building and is sucked
into the sky. The walls follow soon after. You can clearly see
everything in the distance also being pulled up.)
Arblus: Blustery this time of year, isn't it?
Kranix: You fool! We're all doomed, and it's all because of Disco!
Arblus: My, aren't we judgemental today.
Kranix: That does it, I'm outta here!
(Kranix transforms into a starship and leaves as Lithone gets eaten.
Only one thing remains: a Disco ball with a pair of inwardly-pointing
horns.)
Scene: Space. Movie theme and credits.
Optimus [voiceover]: It is the year 2005 AD...
Huffer [voiceover]: Well of course it's AD! There's no need to say
"AD"! It's obviously not BC!
(Argument breaks out, eventually turning into a fight. A laser blast
is heard,and all is quiet)
Optimus: Now then... the year is 2005 AD...
Scene: Cybertron. Decepticon Headquarters.
Shockwave: Laserbeak returns.
Soundwave: No, Laserbeak is in my chest right now.
Shockwave: Er, Buzzsaw returns, then.
Soundwave: You can't tell them apart!
Shockwave: Can so! How do I know that you're not lying about Laserbeak
being in your chest, huh? You're a liar!
Megatron: Enough! Laserbeak, report!
(Laserbeak flies into Soundwave's chest, transforming as he goes.)
Shockwave: Aha! I knew it!
Soundwave: He was just being polite.
(Soundwave transforms and connects to a computer. Images appear.)
Optimus: Elita! Bumblebee! I don't believe it! Bumblebee, I'm gonna
send you down to Moonbase One, you little son of a --
Megatron: Skip ahead a bit.
Optimus: Elita! Cliffjumper!
Megatron: Fast forward.
Ironhide: Prime, ah'm in the mood to kill some Decepti-slime!
Megatron: Great, another Autotwink.
Shockwave: What?
Megatron: Nothing.
Optimus: That's a good idea, Ironhide. In fact, it's hard to believe
I haven't thought of it all these years. For that matter, I have no
idea why we've got tons of supplies and energon on Earth when it should
all be here in preparation for just such an occation. Must've slipped
my mind.
Megatron: A facinating look into the mind of a military genius.
Optimus: Ironhide, I want you to take a shuttle to Earth for an energon
run. Take a big one. In fact, take that huge one over there -- the one
with the broken radar system.
Ironhide: Uh, right.
Optimus: Just be thankful we got that new Microsoft Security System,
so that our enemies can't know you've all got plastic false armor where
your real armor used to be because we needed the steel plating to
build Metroplex.
Megatron: This is too good to be true. How did Laserbeak get past
the security program?
Soundwave: It crashed.
Shockwave: I'm sure glad Bill Gates is on our side.
(Ominous music ensues.)
Scene: Autobot shuttle, interior.
Ironhide: Prowl, turn that off!
Prowl: It's just music, and it's not that loud...
Ironhide: It's not music! It's the theme from "NYPD Blue" played
over and over again!
Prowl [defensively]: Well, it's my tape player!
(Ship shakes)
Brawn: Oh good one! You ran into a planet!
Prowl: Without radar, you're lucky I didn't run us into a star.
Besides, I don't think that was what happened.
Brawn: How can you tell?
Prowl: Well for one thing, I heard a timer being connected to the outer hull.
(Hull blows in. Decepticons invade. The make short work of the Autobots.)
Megatron: Well, that was easy.
Starscream: Much easier than destroying the real threat: the Autobot
Moonbase.
Megatron: What, the one defended by Spike and Bumblebee? Are you kidding
me? A colony of petro-rabbits could overtake those two!
Starscream: They, uh, they're tougher than they look...
Megatron: Hang on... Say, haven't you been beaten by both of them in the
past?
Starscream: Er...
Scene: Earth. Lake near Autobot City. Hot Rod and Daniel are fishing.
Hot Rod: This is stupid. I feel stupid doing this. I feel even more
stupid doing this with you.
Daniel: But we're fishing! This is fun!
Hot Rod: Geez, can't you stop trying to be cute for one second?
Damn, I wish your father was here.
(Radar thingy beeps)
Daniel: The shuttle's coming in! Let's watch them land!
Hot Rod: I can't believe it. You actually thought of something even
more boring then fishing. Hey! I caught something!
(Hot Rod yanks a large fish out of the water, which slams into Daniel,
knocking him out)
Hot Rod: Oops.
(For about 2 minutes, Hot Rod alternately looks at the limp human
and the fish.)
Hot Rod: Well, I guess I'd probably get in trouble if I just left you
here... I should take you to a repair bay or something.
(Hot Rod transforms, taking in Daniel. He zooms off. Later, he ends
up at Lookout Mountain)
Hot Rod: Well, I suppose a little detour couldn't hurt...
Daniel: Uh... where...?
Hot Rod: He's alive?! Nuts.
Daniel: Look! The shuttle! What's with the hole?
Hot Rod: Wait a minute. I have eyesight 300 times better than yours,
you've just been knocked unconscious for several minutes, and you still
see the hole before I do??
Daniel: I only do something useful twice in the whole movie. Gimme a break.
Hot Rod: Good point. Hey, I see Hegatron throught the hole in the
shuttle! Let's draw attention to ourselves!
(Hot Rod fires at the shuttle. Megatron blows away Lookout Point)
Hot Rod: Okay, I admit it: that was dumb.
Daniel: Well, duh.
Hot Rod: Great, now you're just plain annoying.
(Hot Rod saves, Daniel, etc. Meets up with Kup and they all head back.)
Scene: Autobot City. Decepticons are attacking.
Perceptor: The opposition numeration n is asymptotically ascending --
Ultra Magnus: What? Huh? Anyone catch that?
Springer: Ten-to-one Perceptor's too cheap to buy a thesaurus.
Ultra Magnus: Nah. He's just making it up as he goes along. It's a
random word generator.
(Arcee drags in Wheeljack and Windcharger. Both look like they've
had better days.)
Arcee: Wheeljack turned on a stupid security droid without safeguards
ag-- Hey, we're under attack!
Springer: Duh. No kidding.
Ultra Magnus: Women.
Arcee: Why the hell are you guys just standing around chatting?
Springer: We're not chatting! Men don't chat!
Ultra Magnus: Yeah. We're discussing.
Springer: Well, Magnus and I are. Perceptor's babbling.
Perceptor: The inaccuracy of your linguistic depiction --
Springer: See?
Arcee: Why aren't you fighting?
Ultra Magnus: Um, we're the command element. We don't fight.
Arcee: You mean you're a pathetic coward. I hope you're not such a
weenie after the movie.
Ultra Magnus [sadly]: I am.
Arcee: Ug. Say, shouldn't we transform Autobot City?
Ultra Magnus: I'm, uh, waiting for a confirmation from Prime on that...
Arcee: Loser. C'mon, Springer, let's pull those levers and stuff.
(They leave and transform the city. Ultra Magnus pulls out a copy
of The Ancient Art of War and begins reading.)
Scene: Autobot shuttle 2. Optimus and the Dinobots are shown)
Optimus: Well, Grimlock, it's a good thing you wanted to stop off at
Earth to pick up extra bateries for you Talking Battleship ga -- er,
simulator.
Grimlock: Big fight! Me like!
Optimus: Yeah, whatever. Look! Devastator! Go get 'im, boy! Sic 'im!
(Dinobots jump out of the shuttle, yelling battle cries and a few
obscenities.)
Optimus: Can they fly?
Sunstreaker: Yes.
Optimus: Damn.
(The Dinobots and Devastator fight to a standstill [Ed: No, I don't
think Devastator won in the movie!] )
Scene: Landing pad. Autobot shuttle 2 has landed.
Optimus: Stand back, my friends! I'm about to save the City from
Decepticon Evil!
Hound: He needs a new scriptwriter.
Sunstreaker: Or brain surgery.
Sideswipe: Can you say "God Complex"?
Optimus: You know, you guys aren't very nice.
Sunstreaker: This ain't exactly Sesame Street, Bub.
Sideswipe: Though you do bear a striking resemblance to Super Grover.
(Ignoring them, Op transforms and roars into the city.)
Scene: Autobot City. Prime is in robot mode.
Megatron: Optimus Prime. We meet at last.
Optimus: Again.
Megatron: What?
Optimus: That should be "We meet again", not "We meet at last". That is
what you meant, isn't it?
Mgatron: Of course that's what I meant! You've corrected my grammar for
the last time, Prime! Prepare to die!
Optimus [clears throat]: One shall stand. One shall fall.
Megatron [frowning]: Couldn't we both fall?
Optimus: Well, technically...
Megatron: Enough of this! You're an idiot and you deserve to die!
(Big fight ensues)
Hot Rod: Optimus! Let me give you a hand!
Optimus: Hot Rod, no! Don't -- ah, shit.
Megatron: How convenient that I'm provided with a shield just when I
needed one.
Optimus [muttering]: Now I know why Autobot Command was so damned
eager to transfer him down to Earth.
(Megatron shoots Optimus several times, then tosses away Hot Rod)
Megatron: Not so high-and-mighty now, eh?
Optimus [wheezing]: I think I just swallowed one of my own RAM chips.
Megatron: That's got to hurt.
Optimus: Tell me about it.
Megatron: I've waited and eternity for this moment. It's over, Prime.
Optimus: Oh, get on with it. I don't have enough strength to fight
off a retro-rat right now.
A voice off camera: WHAT THE HELL IS A RETRO-RAT????
(Megatron steps toward Prime to finish him off, but trips over some
scrap, sending him off the edge of the platform he's on. Megatron
looks at the camera, pulls a sign out of subspace that reads "UH OH",
and proceeds to plummet down an impossibly deep chasm. His form
shrinks into the distance, replaced by a sudden puff of smoke.)
Optimus: Well, that was unexpected.
(Sound of a wooden door being broken down.)
Cyclonus [high-pitched voice]: Noooooooooobody expects the Decepticon
Invasion!
Optimus: I must be close to death. I'm being bombarded with silly
Monty Python references. And by non-existent Transformers, no less.
Cyclonus: But I have this head that sorta looks like those hats
that bishops wear!
Optimus: Get rid of this guy!!
(A dozen Sharkticons run out, overpower Cyclonus, and drag him away.)
Scene: Bottom of chasm. Megatron righly looks in pretty bad shape.
Starscream: Hey, Meggy's dead! I'm the leader now, and I say let's
get outta here!
Thrust: Ooooo... Some leadership decision.
Starscream: Shut up! Everyone, get inside Astrotrain!
Astrotrain: You're joking.
Starscream: Er... I know! You can activate your TARDIS-mode circuit!
Astrotrain: What TARD -- (Starscream glares at him) -- Oh, that TARDIS-mode.
(Astrotrain transforms. Decepticons shrug and enter him.)
Starscream [sighing]: Shuttle mode, you moron.
Astrotrain: Hm? Oh, I get it.
(He transforms into space shuttle mode from train mode, tossing
out everyone who was inside him.)
Soundwave: Megatron, you appear to be near death. You require
medical attention if you are to survive and lead us to victory
against the Autobots. Oh well. Bye!
Megatron: Soundwave, wait!... Don't leave me here...
Soundwave: Oh... alright, Dad.
Megatron: I told you never to call me that in public!
Soundwave: As you command, Megatron.
Scene: Optimus is lying in an awkward position, clearly in a lot of pain.
Kup: Prime did it! He turned the tide!
Optimus: Huh? Oh, yeah... right, I did. Really.
Hot Rod: Oh, but at what cost? What cost?? Primus, why?! TAKE
ME, DAMMIT! TAKE ME!!!
Kup: I knew I never should've let him enroll in the William Shatner
Acting Academy.
Optimus: H-h-hot Rod......
Hot Rod: Yes, Optimus? Do you have something to pass on to me? Words
of wisdom, or maybe even... the Matrix?
(Hot Rod tries to help Prime up. As soon as he is close enough,
Prime grabs Hot Rod by the neck and tries to choke him.)
Arcee: He's really trying to kill him! Shouldn't you do something to
stop him, Kup?
Kup: As if.
Scene: Astrotrain, interior.
Starscream: Astrotrain has requested that we lighten our load so he can
make it back to Cybertron.
Astrotrain: No I didn't!
Starscream: So let's throw out all the old and damaged, which is
coincidentally *exactly* how much we need to lighten the load by.
(A bunch of Decepticons are thrown out)
Rumble: Hey, did you see that guy we just threw out? He looked
just like you, Ramjet!
Ramjet: Oh, that was just a decoy. You know, the ones that used to
come with the toy -- I mean, the ones that, uh, someone created for
the purpose of drawing fire. Someone whose name escapes me at the moment.
Starscream: Megatron, how it pains me to throw you out of this
shuttle and take command from you. But we have to lighten
Astrotrain's load ...
Astrotrain: He said it, not me.
Starscream: ... and well, we just happen to need to throw one more
body out. So I guess that would have to be you. After all, you
yourself believe in survival of the fittest, right? You're damaged!
Megatron: So are you.
Starscream: Only in the foot!
Megatron: And I guess it doesn't hurt to be out of the line of fire
most of the fight.
Starscream: I was the command element! I'm not supposed to fight!
Megatron: Oh, and what am I?
Starscream: Dead weight, it seems!
(He throws Megatron out of the shuttle)
Scene: Autobot City. Optimus is lying on a table.
Perceptor: I'm afraid there's nothing I can do. He's dead, Jim.
Jim: I -- I can't believe it's finally over.
Ultra Magnus: Perceptor, are you done yet? Prime needs some help.
Springer: Well, that's hardly news.
Arcee: Have you no respect for the fallen?
Springer: Gee, I feel *real* bad now.
Hot Rod: You know ... I almost feel as if I were responsible for all this.
Kup: You *were* responsible for all this! Why'd you attack a guy
with 3 times your strength, quadruple your armor, and twice your
height? Did you have some kind of death wish?
Hot Rod: He was reaching for a gun...
Optimus: Excuses, excuses...
Perceptor: I'm afraid your wounds are mortal.
Optimus: Shoot. Alright, who wants the Matrix?
Hot Rod: Me!
Optimus: When Disco comes back, you punk. Anyone else?
Springer: Assuming whoever's got the Matrix will be targeted for
destruction by the Decepticons ... How about Ultra Magnus?
Optimus: Whatever. C'mere, Magnus.
Ultra Magnus: But ... I'm not worthy, Prime.
Optimus: Like you had to tell me that in person. I'm giving you
this because, well, the only one who deserves it is Grimlock, and
I don't think any of you can handle a Grimlock Prime.
(Everyone shudders)
Ultra Magnus: I'll try to live up to your example, Prime.
Springer: I can't tell: is that good or bad?
(Optimus takes the Matrix out and drops it. Hot Rod manages to grab it.)
Hot Rod: I suddenly feel this strange urge to lead. It's almost as
if the Matrix were calling to me to command the Autobot army!
Ultra Magnus [snatching the Matrix from Hot Rod]: It's more likely a
power surge in your microchips. Get a band-aid.
Optimus: S-some ... day ...
Everyone: Yeah?
Optimus: ... one will lead ... us -- ACK!
Everyone: AAAAAAAAH!
(Everyone looks about in confusion and sees Perceptor holding two
plugs in his hands)
Everyone: Plug it in! Plug it in!
Perceptor [confused]: The biobed or the toaster?
Everyone: The biobed! The biobed!
(Perceptor plugs the biobed back in and Prime's eyes light up)
Optimus: As I was saying: lead us ... out of our ... darkest hour ...
Everyone: That's IT?!
Optimus: So sue me. I'd like to see *you* come up with a better death
speech.
Springer: No such luck. We all survive *long* after the movie.
Optimus: As I feared ...
(He fades into death. Would be very touching, except Kup is snoring
in the corner.)
TO BE CONTINUED!
[For the humor-impaired, YES, it's a joke. Sheesh, I bet you
believe in giant shape-changing robots too.]
Well, I'm sorta notorious around these here parts for promising deadlines
I haven't a hope in hell of keeping, so it's nice when once in a while,
I'm within a month of what I promised :) So here it is, hope it lives
up to Part 1 !
Transformers: The Movie Parody Script Part 2
Scene: Space
Megatron: Boy, it's awfully peaceful here. Just lie back and relax.
Nothing to do all day long but play with my-- hey, what's that?
Unicron: I have no need for a name. On many planets, with numerous
societies, beings concern themselves with individual identities to
make up for their lack of cosmic existences, but my existence by far
exceeds--
Megatron (to cellular phone): No no, I said *pepperoni*! Why do you
always try to pin anchovies on me? Does *anyone* actually order
anchovies???
Unicorn: Excuse me! I'm talking here!
Megatron (to cellular phone): Uh, I gotta go, Pastacon.
Megatron (to Unicron): Alright, so what were you saying?
Unicron: I'm Unicron, but my friends call me Uni. You are?
Megatron: Never mind that! Hey, turn down those lights!
Unicron: They, um, they're not lights.
Megatron: Well, I'll be... sequins???
Unicron: Disco rules, buddy. You will be my herald and my servant.
Megatron: What's in it for me? And don't call me Harold!
Unicron: Well, I do have this nice dental plan...
Megatron: Oooo, I bet Mindwipe would like that.
Unicron: Mindwipe? Hey, he's not a Headmaster yet, is he?
Megatron: A what?!
Unicron: A Headmaster: a threat to Transformers greater than even
myself.
Megatron: And just how do you know that?
Unicron: I can travel between realities! Look!
(Scene changes)
Unicron: A universe populated entirely by Smurfs!
(Brainy Smurf flies past helplessly and disappears into a nearby
nebula. Scene changes)
Unicron: Behold the Star Trek universe!
Picard (voiceover): Captain's Log, Stardate 43926.5... Starfleet
Intelligence has finally completed their 12-year study on the mating
rituals of Cardassian furniture....
Megatron: How come I can hear him from out here in space???
Unicron: In this universe, everyone can here Picard dictating the
captain's log, from anywhere in space. That's why the Romulans always
know what the Feds are up to.
Megatron: I always wondered about that.
(Scene changes)
Unicron: Check this out - the Doctor Who universe!
Megatron: Hey, those stars really do form Peter Davidson's face!
Unicron: And the entire galaxy speaks with a British accent too.
Honest!
(Scene changes)
Unicron: Okay, we're back. Now, what do you say about my offer,
Megatron?
Megatron: Well, I dunno... I kind of liked drifting aimlessly about in
zero-gee...
Unicron: You dare to not accept the taking of my offer to not have
you... man, that's bad grammar. Anyways, I'll make you watch Five
Faces of Darkness, Rebirth, and the entire Mighty Morphin' Power
Rangers series for all eternity, or until you agree to be my servant!
(Light pours out from Unicron into Megatron's face. Time passes)
Megatron: No! Stop! I accept! I can't stand watching Tommy lose all
his powers again!
Unicron: About bloody time, too. I was just about to resort to
showing you Barney and Friends. You know, that's probably the only
other thing in the galaxy that could kill me.
Megatron: Only other? What's the first?
Unicron: Oh, the Autobot Matrix of Disco.
Megatron: You mean Leadership.
Unicron: Is that what they're calling it these days?
Megatron: I suppose you want me to destroy it for you.
Unicron: Well, duh. Here, have a new body, on the house.
(Megatron morphs into Galvatron)
Megatron: Neat! I'm a Terminator!
Unicron: Not exactly. Behold: Galvatron.
Megatron: Where?
Unicron: Er, that would be you. You're Galvatron now.
Megatron: Are you crazy? You want to lose all my popularity? Why
don't you call me Megatron ATC or something? Just nothing with the
phrase .G2. in it.
Unicron: ATC?
Megatron: Advanced Tactical Cannon.
Unicron: Sounds like a copyright infringement... you want to see a
swarm of Lawyercons here? Oh wait, I guess that's *three* things that
can destroy me.
Galvatron: Let me just change my @name... there. Now what?
Unicron: I will create a new army for you, out of these -- who the
heck are they?
Galvatron: Assorted Insecticon clones and some Decoys...
Unicron: Decoys??
Galvatron: Yeah, those little rubber things that came with-- never
mind. Nameless background characters *always* get blasted to bits
before anyone with a name and a tech spec.
Unicron: Not true. You killed off a half-dozen famous Autobots in the
first few minutes of the movie.
Galvatron: Hey, don't blame me if they wore Stormtrooper armour.
Unicron: Huh?
Galvatron: Cheap, plastic, and completely useless.
Unicron: You mention Star Wars again and I'll personally lock you in a
room with George Lucas's Lawyercons. They have real lightsabres, you
know.
Galvatron: Let's get on with this before the audience starts throwing
Raisonettes at the screen.
Unicron: Alrighty then. Here's Scourge and the Sweeps. And here's
Cyclonus and his armada.
Galvatron: Armada? There's, like, six ships in total.
Unicron: Look, if the Aerialbots can be called a fleet-- forget it.
Go forth and multi-- I mean, destroy the Matrix for me, Galvatron!
Muahahahahaha!
Scene: Cybertron
Starscream: Thank you all for voting me leader of the Decepticons!
(Other Cons, gagged, tied up, and hung from several towers, mumble a
reply)
Starscream: And to celebrate this occasion: I declare my first law:
Disco is now reinstated on Cybertron!
(Dead End mumbles a cheer. Everyone else glares menacingly at him)
Starscream: And to prove that I am a courageous Decepticon, I will now
proceed to put on this cursed Crown of Eternally Getting Shot by
Ex-Decepticon Leaders. Behold!
(Starscream puts on the crown. A hush falls upon the courtyard.
Suddenly, Galvatron and company appear out of nowhere)
Galvatron: Starscream! I am Galvatron, formerly your leader Megatron!
Oh yes, and I now transform into an overly-powered cannon!
Starscream: Funny, I'm experiencing a sense of deja vu.
Scene: Flashback -- Vilnacron, before the war started
Gypsy woman: ...and then, you will put on the Crown of Eternally
Getting Shot by Ex-Decepticon Leaders. Galvatron, a souped-up version
of Megatron created by Unicron, a planet-devourering entity, will
suddenly appear and destroy your body. You will then go around in
ghostly form--
Starscream: Yes, yes, that's all very well, but will I get lucky with
Arcee tonight?
Gypsy woman: In your dreams, Flyboy.
Scene: Cybertron
Starscream: Hey, she was wrong about Arcee!
(Galvatron transforms, shoots Starscream to bits, then goes back to
robot mode)
Galvatron: I finally got rid of that idiot. And what the hell was he
babbling on about?
(A hot shard of metal from the execution burns through the ropes
holding up the other Decepticons. They fall and land on top of the
Cyclonus-clone armada)
Galvatron: That'd be almost funny if that had crushed the Sweeps too.
Rumble/Frenzy: What'd he say his name was again?
(Galvatron points to a sticker on him that says "Galvatron rulez!")
All: Hail Galvatron! And his gun!
Scene: Autobot City, downtown
Springer: Well, we've just about finished fixing the damage done by
the last Decepticon attack!
Ultra Magnus: Already??? It's been less than a day!
Springer (quietly): Magnus... you know it's just a cardboard set,
right? I mean, does this place *look* like Metroplex to you?
Blaster: Hey, I got a transmission from one of the moon bases!
Ultra Magnus: Onscreen!
(Everyone stares at Ultra Magnus, who slowly realizes he's been
watching too much Star Trek. Blaster transforms)
Cliffjumper (radio): We are being attacked by a very large... er...
attacker.
Jazz (radio): It looks like... but no, it CAN'T be!
Springer: Somebody just kill me, please.
Cliffjumper (radio): It's just so... and really... and it's eating the
moon base!
Ultra Magnus: Wow, I bet that'll be one whopper of a repair bill.
Jazz (radio): We're being sucked into it. And *geez* it has bad
breath!
Unicron (radio): I do not!
Ultra Magnus: Well, no big deal. I mean, Jazz isn't that popular a
character, right?
Springer: Somebody PLEASE kill me!
Perceptor: Sfak slie priij klave?
Springer: It's just a gut feeling, mind you, but I think the script
writers are running out of ways to make Perceptor impossible to
understand.
Ultra Magnus: Wait, I'm getting an image in my mind... I think he was
asking where Arcee went.
Springer: My god, are there *any* science fiction shows without
psychics in it?!
Scene: Autobot City, near the launch pad
Hot Rod: Hey baby, wanna see where I got my name from? Heh heh heh.
Arcee: Does it have anything to do with those pepperoni sticks taped
to your butt?
Hot Rod: Shoot, I was hoping you didn't know about that.
Arcee: I also know about that "How to make love to a toaster" flyer
you have hidden in your room.
Hot Rod: So whaddaya think: you, me, and a ton of WD-40?
Arcee: I'll have to think about it.
Hot Rod: Well, you wanna go somewhere Friday night?
Arcee: Can't. I'm busy.
Hot Rod: Oh. What are you doing that night?
Arcee: I dunno. Haven't decided yet.
(Nearby, Kup mimes a plane going down in flames and crashing on the
ground)
Hot Rod (to himself): I *knew* I should've asked Sear instead.
Arcee: Hey, we're under attack again!
Hot Rod: Do you suppose Magnus'll get killed, and the Matrix will pass
down to me?
Arcee (thinking): Actually, I think Kup's next in line for it...
Hot Rod: He's old. He'll die.
Arcee: ...followed by Jetfire...
Hot Rod: You mean Skyfire.
Arcee: Whatever.
Hot Rod: He's old. He'll die.
Arcee: He is *not* old!
Hot Rod: He's older than me. Which is all that matters.
Arcee: I just looked through the list of Matrix successors, and your
name appears just after Shockwave's.
Hot Rod: He's old --
Arcee: -- and has a really big gun.
Hot Rod: I think I need a safer hobby.
Scene: Autobot City, downtown
Ultra Magnus: You know, it's funny. We were able to stop the original
attack with a minimum of fuss, but less than 24 hours later, with the
Cons low on energy, and using straightforward tactics, we're getting
our butts kicked.
Springer: At a guess, I'd say your leadership stinks.
Blurr:
Oh-we're-being-beaten-to-little-tiny-itsy-bitsy-little-pieces-and-it's
-all-your-fault-oh-yes-oh-yes-it-is-Ultra-Magnus-because-you're-a-poor
-excuse--
(Ultra Magnus shoots Blurr in the head)
Springer: Well, that was needlessly violent.
Ultra Magnus: Did you say 'needlessly'?
Springer: Sorry. I stand corrected.
Ultra Magnus (loudspeaker): Attention all Autobots! Everyone into the
shuttles! We're outta here!
(Decepticons immediately attack the shuttles instead)
Kup: Oh that was smooth, Loudmouth.
Springer: You know, there *is* such a thing as inter-Autobot radio.
Ultra Magnus: I can't use it though! Some idiot's been playing Disco
music over it all day!
Radio: That Oldie be good Disco! Me play Disco all day because me
like Disco! This radio station GRIM: All Disco, all time!
Kup: You, uh, you can't tell who that was?
Ultra Magnus: Should I?
Kup: I give up.
Decepticons: YAY!
Kup: Not to you guys!
Decepticons: BOOOOOO!
Scene: Autobot shuttle one, bridge
Springer: Magnus, did you notice that once we launched, the Autobots
at Autobot City began winning?
Ultra Magus: Perhaps a great military tactician is leading our forces
down there to victory! I ought to give him the Matrix.
Scene: Autobot City
Snarl: No no! Gun barrel point *away* from you!
Other Autobots: Oh.
Decepticons: Oh no! The Autobots stopped shooting themselves!
Retreat!
Scene: Autobot shuttle two, bridge
Kup: And then, I was attacked by these particularly vicious
Lawyercons, just drooling with Liquid Paper and overflowing with Power
of Attorney forms...
Swoop: Ooooooo.....
Kup: Suddenly, down came this large -- no -- *huge* Politicon, who
started fighting with everything in sight! But then, one of the
Lawyercons yelled out "Re-election time!", which caused the Politicon
to start shaking hands with everyone.
Slag: BOOOOORING! Me watch OJ trial.
Kup: Who's the judge now? Still Ito?
Slag: No, his daughter.
Kup: What on earth is Hot Rod doing?
Grimlock: He in holode-- er, VR combat room.
Scene: Autobot shuttle two, VR combat chamber
Hot Rod: Alright you monster! Now you die!
Computer Opponent: I don't think so!
(Computer Opponent swings at Hot Rod and misses)
Hot Rod: Ha! You suck!
Computer Opponent: Oh yeah?! Form Blazing Sword!!!!
Hot Rod: Oops.
(Room shakes. Computer Opponent loses his footing and falls down a
conveniently located and impossibly deep chasm)
Hot Rod: Funny how I always seem to be near those chasms.
Scene: Autobot shuttle two, bridge
Hot Rod: What happened?
Kup: We got shot, and I told an old story that saved the day.
Hot Rod: I missed Polkaroo *again*???
Kup: WHAT???
Hot Rod: Silly human reference. The kids in the audience will get it.
Kup: Only now, we have this large claw attached to us from the surface
of that planetoid over there.
Hot Rod: Must be one of those days.
(Shuttle breaks up as they crash)
Scene: Autobot shuttle one, bridge
Springer: Hot Rod and Kup just bought it.
Ultra Magnus: Yes! Oh yes, baby!
Springer: Your reaction is touching. Really.
Arcee (sobbing): I -- I never got to tell him...
Springer: There there. I'm sure Hot Rod knew how you felt about him.
Arcee: Hot Rod? I was talking about Swoop!
Everyone: SWOOP???
Arcee: Yes Swoop. I never got around to telling him that I'm really
his mother who abandoned him at birth and that Starscream is his
biological father!
Springer: Uh.....
Ultra Magnus: I -- I think I need to sit down.
Daniel: Hey, we're being shot at!
Ultra Magnus: I'm still in a state of shock. Dan, you'll have to take
charge.
Daniel: Okay, I'll just detonate the entire rear half of the ship.
Springer: What?! NOOOOO!
(Daniel steps on the button before Springer can get to him. The
bridge rumbles)
Springer: You numbskull! All our energon was back there!
Daniel: Well, that went well.
Ultra Magnus: At least we lost them. Let's land on Junkion over
there. What do you mean 'the landing gear was blown up too'???
Scene: Galvatron's flagship
Galvatron: We did it! Let's celebrate... by outlawing Disco again!
Everyone except Dead End: YAY!
(Colorful lights suddenly flood the room, and a heavy upbeat rhythm
fills the room)
Dead End: Behold, nonbelievers! Prepare for the arrival of the great
God of Disco, the Almighty Discon!
Motormaster: You're making that up!
Unicron: Everyone look! I'm yanking Galvatron's chain! Yank! Yank!
Galvatron: Owowowowowowow!
Cyclonus: That looks painful.
Unicron: It is. Now everyone get over here so I can tell you
something really neat! Or I'll eat every last one of you!
Scourge: Hey! I get a token line in the script!
Scene: Junkion
Ultra Magnus: Let's get this over with. Can we fix the shuttle with
the stuff on this planet?
Perceptor: Given enough time, we could make another gestalt from all
this.
Springer: Hey, he's not talking funny! His random generator must be
down!
Perceptor: Blurr's messed up too.
Blurr: I say, old chap, would you mind terribly giving me a hand
welding this in place?
Springer: Maybe we should crash-land more often.
(Wreck-Gar's silhouette appears in the background)
Wreck-Gar: For Adults only. Five dollars a call. Whistle while you
work.
Audience: HUH?!
Scene: Quintessa
Hot Rod: You promise?
Kup: Yes, dammit! I'll give you the stupid Matrix if Ultra Magnus
dies! Now put my f*cking leg back on!
Hot Rod: Wimp.
(Hot Rod reconnects Kup's leg. Kup stands up, tries it out, then
kicks Hot Rod in the rear)
Hot Rod: Ouch! Hey, are those Sharkticons?
Kup: Or Lawyercons. I can't tell at a distance. No wait... they're
Sharkticons, alright. Laywercons have bigger teeth.
Hot Rod: Let's shoot our way out!
Kup: How many times do I have to tell you that Lethal Weapon is *not*
a fact-based movie?
Hot Rod: Picky picky.
Kup: Check this out. Bah weep graaanah weep ni ni bong!
(Sharkticons pull out dictionaries and look through them)
Sharkticon 1: Oh, the Universal Greeting! Why didn't you say so? Got
any energon goodies?
Kup: Of course! Here!
Sharkticon 2: Great! I'm in the mood fo-- hey, this is the cheap
stuff!
Hot Rod: I *told* you not to get that 'I Can't Believe It's Not
Energon!' crap!
(Sharkticons attack and disable the two of them)
Scene: Quintessa, inside Quintesson base
Hot Rod: Hey, I'm in jail! But for once, I don't know why!
Kranix: You are prisoners of the Quintessons. They hunt those who
escape Unicron.
Hot Rod: I thought they were the creators of the Transformers.
Kranix: Can't we just forget Five Faces of Darkness?
Kup: I wish. So anyhow, what are you doing here?
Kranix: Oh, just waiting for you two to show up so I can say those few
lines and then get eaten.
(Guards rush in, grab Kranix, then rush out)
Kup: They're efficient, I'll give them that.
Quintesson: How do you plead?
Kranix: Um, insanity?
Guards: Heh heh heh heh....
Quintesson: Order in the court!
Kranix: I'll have fries with that too!
Guards: Bwahahahaha!
Quintesson: Contempt of Court! Contempt of Court!
Kranix: Well, since you asked for it: Your mother dresses you funny!
Guards: AHAHAHAHAHA!
Quintesson: Feed him to the Sharkticons!
Kranix: Tough room.
(Platform beneath Kranix collapses, and he falls)
Sound: KLANG!
Quintesson: Did someone forget to fill the pool?
(A guard smacks his forehead and runs out of the room)
Scene: Moonbase two
Spike: Okay, so we launch, blow up the base, then leave at full speed.
Got it?
Bumblebee: Blow up the base, launch, then escape. Got it.
Spike: No. We launch, blow up the base, *then* escape.
Bumblebee: Gotcha. Launch, blow up the ship, then escape.
Spike: Oh, shut up.
Unicron: BOO!
Spike and Bumblebee: AAAAH!!!
Unicron: I'm the size of a planet and *no one* can detect me until I'm
right next to them? I dunno.
(Spike and Bumblebee run into the shuttle and launch. Bumblebee
attempts to activate the shuttle self-destruct, but Spike stops him
and instead blows up the moonbase)
Spike: Yes! He's a gonner!
Unicron: BURP! Wow, that sucker was SPICY! I think I'll get a side
order of 1-dimensional sidekick characters, wrapped in a poorly
designed spacecraft.
(Unicron eats everything in sight, including the shuttle)
Bumblebee: I told you I was supposed to blow up the ship.
Spike: Just. Shut. Up.
Scene: Junkion
Ultra Magnus: Progress appears to be excellent! Perceptor, how long
before we get the shuttle up and running again?
Perceptor: I'm rather optimistic. Maybe two or three years.
Ultra Magnus: Shoot, I think that migraine just returned.
Springer: So did the Decepticons! Run away! Run away!
Ultra Magnus: Run to the cave! I'll cover you!
Arcee: How heroic! If he had a brain, I'd find him attractive.
Springer: Remember to use the Matrix, Magnus! Also, be sure the
Decepticons *know* you have the Matrix when they open fire!
(Autobots run to the cave behind Ultra Magnus)
Ultra Magnus (to himself): Funny how no one offered to help me out or
anything. Now, how do I open this Matrix thing?
Galvatron: Get him!
(Ultra Magnus fires, but having the barrel facing the wrong way, the
shot goes backwards, barely missing his head, and hits the cave
entrance, burying it in rocks)
Galvatron: How utterly selfless of him! Quarter him! No wait, just
shoot him! No wait...
Ultra Magnus (to himself): Oh that's right -- the beam comes *out* of
the barrel...
(He takes out a cellular phone and dials)
Phone: Thank you for calling the Matrix Hotline! Congratulations on
your inheritance of the Autobot Matrix of Leadership. With care, the
Matrix will last you a long time. Step one: open the child-proof cap
by pushing the two sides together and twisting counterclockwise.
Excessive force is not necessary. Adult supervision is recommended.
(Sweeps blow him apart)
Galvatron: Well, that was satisfying. Let's go to Unicron!
Scene: Quintessa
Grimlock: No, us go that way!
Slag: Me Slag say go this way!
Grimlock: Well me leader! And me say us get gooder TV reception that
way!
(Wheelie appears)
Wheelie: You look for your friends? I'll help you make sense!
Grimlock: Me Grimlock say that rhyme sucked.
Wheelie: I'd like to see you try to rhyme 24 hours a day, Meathead.
Scene: Quintessa, inside Quintesson base
Hot Rod: My friend here is Kup and HR's my name!
I'm pleading not guilty and he'll do the same!
We just got here in a broken-down ship!
Got jumped by Sharkticons; They sure ain't hip!
Sharkticons: GRRRR!
Hot Rod: Say it again!
Sharkticons: GRRRR!
Hot Rod: Word!
Kup: When I get my hands on the guy who wrote this script...
Quintesson: No, I'm afraid that even rapping your plea will not keep
you from getting eaten.
Hot Rod: Objection!
Quintesson: You can't object to the judge!
Guard 1: Have you rendered a verdict?
Quintesson: Hang on... Autocad's being a bitch today on my Decium...
(A large screen pops out from the ceiling, and the words NOT GUILTY
appear in three-dimensions, Gourad-shaded and textured)
Kup: That's great. At least, it would be if that wasn't a CGA screen.
Quintesson: Who asked you? Feed them to the Sharkticons!
(Hot Rod and Kup are dropped into the pool)
Kup: This reminds me of the time I was dropped into a pool of
Sharkticons on the planet Quintessa...
Hot Rod: Er, we *are* on Quintessa, in a pool of Sharkticons.
Kup: I know. I was just practicing for later.
(Suddenly, the Dinobots burst in)
Slag: Hey, you lie! TV reception bad here!
Wheelie: Your friends in pool! Dinobots, um, drool...
Grimlock: What?!
Wheelie: Well, it was either that or 'fool'. Take your pick.
Grimlock: How about 'rule'?
Wheelie: I'm being out-thought by Dinobots. This is embarrassing.
(Dinobots make short work of the Sharkticons)
Hot Rod: Hi guys. Say, who's the shrimp?
Wheelie: I'm Wheelie. Er, let's make a dealie.
Hot Rod (trying not to laugh): I... I see. We need a way off this
planet. Whatcha got?
Scene: Junkion
Arcee: I found Ultra Magnus's head!
Daniel (some distance away): Me too!
Springer: And here's his I/O card.... boy, when that guy explodes, he
*really* explodes.
(Junkions suddenly come from nowhere and look menacing)
Springer: I get the feeling no one likes us.
Arcee: Quick! Try the Universal Greeting!
Springer: Um, bah weep gramma beep ninny bon.
(Junkions attack)
Daniel: Check it out-- my onboard computer says you just gave them the
Universal Insult!
Arcee: Lovely. What *else* can go wrong?
(The Quintesson ship lands out of nowhere. Hot Rod and Kup exit)
Arcee: Hot Rod's alive? My life sucks.
Hot Rod: Bah weep graaanah weep ni ni bong!
Junkions: THREE POINTS! NOTHING BUT NET!
Hot Rod: Arcee! I bet you're glad to see me!
Arcee: I'd rather see Ultra Magnus back alive. Almost.
Ultra Magnus: Hi all! I'm back!
All: AAAAAAAAH!!!!
Arcee: It was a joke! I was kidding! What, do I have a sign on my
back that says 'Kick me' on it???
Springer: I hate to nitpick among all this warm and fuzzy stuff,
but... where'd the Cons go with our Matrix?
Ultra Magnus: I *knew* I forgot something! D'oh!
Scene: Surface of Unicron, near Cybertron
Galvatron: Oh, Uuuuuuunicron! I've got a preeeeeeesent for you!
Unicron: Oh goody! Oh goody! I get a present! Is it bigger than a
breadbox?
Galvatron: Well, not one of *your* breadboxes. It's the Matrix!
Unicron: Yes!
Galvatron: Which I'm gonna open right about now...
Unicron: Gee, I'm shocked. No, really. Stunned.
Galvatron: All I have to do is open this stupid child-proof cap...
just twist... push... uh...
Unicron: No no, you have to twist *counterclockwise*... let me sh--
What am I doing???
Galvatron: I have a bad feeling about this.
Unicron: Normally, I'd pound you into so much refined metal, but
today, I think I'll slowly digest you in my natural acid.
Galvatron: Hoo boy, must be my lucky day.
Unicron: But first, I'm going to show you my amazing transformation!
Galvatron: Why?
Unicron: To truly instill in you the horror of what I am.
(Unicron transforms into robot mode. His head looks like John
Travolta with horns and his armor looks suspiciously like a leisure
suit and bell-bottoms. He points one finger up and away from him)
Unicron: Stayin' alive! Stayin' alive!
Galvatron: AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
(Unicron eats Galvatron)
Unicron: On second thought, maybe I should of ground him up and used
him to spice up Cybertron.
(Everyone attacks him all of a sudden)
Unicron: Was it something I said?
Ramjet: Arg! The sequins... they're blinding me!
Thrust: And that music! It's playing on every channel!
Scene: Quintesson ship, interior
Ultra Magnus: Well, here we are, at the climax of the story: the great
Battle of Unicron.
Hot Rod: I'm climaxing! I'm climaxing!
Ultra Magnus: Oh, shut up. That was a little *too* tasteless, even
for us.
Kup: This reminds me of the time I went up against the petro-rabbits
of Nigel-4...
Springer: You're kidding.
Kup: Those suckers are like Lego: they can all combine! And do you
know how many of those sonova bitches there are?
Hot Rod: Hey, I've heard this story before! Didn't you tell me last
time that you kicked their fluffy little butts?
Kup: Er, you must be thinking about the *other*
old-and-battle-hardened-veteran Kup.
Ultra Magnus: All those in favor of crashing this ship through
Unicron's eye?
All: ....
Ultra Magnus: Might I remind you all that if Unicron wins, we're all
out of a job?
All: <Incoherent mutterings>
(Quintesson ship dives through Unicron's eye and breaks up. Hot Rod
lands on a pole)
Hot Rod: God thing this broke my fall.
(Hot Rod slips off and lands on a giant flight of stairs. He rolls
down about four miles of stairs before stopping)
Hot Rod: I hope my medical insurance covers chiropractors.
Galvatron: Greetings, Rodded One. We meet at last!
Hot Rod: Don't you mean 'We meet again'?
Galvatron: WHAT IS IT WITH YOU GUYS, ANYHOW????
Hot Rod: I'm gonna moyderize ya! And then, POW! straight to the moon!
Galvatron: I see you met the Junkions.
Hot Rod: Tell me about it. I'm gonna need intensive therapy after
this.
Galvatron: In the meantime, I'll pound you into scrap.
(Galvatron fights with Hot Rod. Hot Rod eventually gets a hold of the
Matrix)
Hot Rod: I can feel it calling to me! I'm wanted! I'm wanted!
Galvatron: Only for the crime of hamming it up onscreen. What did you
do, learn acting from William Shatner?
Rodimus Prime: With this @name change, I am now Rodimus Prime!
Galvatron: 'Rodimus'? And I thought *my* name sounded bad.
Rodimus Prime: Will you never learn? Only *children* can open
child-proof caps!
Galvatron: In a sick sorta way, that almost makes sense...
Kup (voiceover): Use the Matrix, Rodimus! Use the Matrix!
Rodimus Prime: Hey, Kup isn't dead yet! Why isn't Optimus talking to
me?
Kup (voiceover): Prime still isn't taking your calls. Although I
should warn you that he has at least a dozen warrants for you arrest.
But they're in Miami, so they don't really mean anything.
(Rodimus holds up the Matrix, which spins around like a Disco ball and
blasts Galvatron out of Unicron. Rodimus flies out of Unicron's
remaining eye)
Rodimus Prime: Unicron is defeated! We won!
Unicron: What? Excuse me?
Rodimus Prime: Whoops, I *knew* I forgot something...
Unicron: Kids.
(Rodimus goes back in and lets out the Matrix energy. Rock music
pours out)
Unicron: No, not 80's rock! Only one thing could be worse!
(Music changes to elevator easy-listening music)
Unicron: And that's it! AAAAA!!!!!
(Unicron blows apart. Rodimus is left with the other Autobots)
Rodimus Prime: Hi guys.
Ultra Magnus: You look... different. Did you get a haircut?
Rodimus Prime: Nope. I am, however, the sacred Holder of the Disco
Orb, formerly known as the Matrix.
Kup: I knew you had it in you!
Rodimus Prime: Yeah right, you geezer. And Ultra Magnus has a brain.
Ultra Magnus: Yeah! Hang on...
Perceptor: Just be glad that's the last we've seen of Disco.
(Everyone slowly turns to look at Dead End, who is trying to sneak
away)
Dead End: Uh oh.
(Ending music. Roll credits. Fade to black)