TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE: THE PARODY
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by Brent Stocking(not to be confused with Stan Lui's "Transformers Movie Parody", which is
funny too. You should go read it when you're done with this.)Part 1
[Exterior: Somewhere in space.]
ANNOUNCER: (voiceover) Space... the final frontier...
(Lots of ANGRY VOICES and random laser blasts.)
ANNOUNCER: (voiceover) Er, sorry. [pause] A long time ago, in a galaxy far,
far away...(Lots of ANGRIER VOICES and more laser blasts.)
ANNOUNCER: (voiceover) Hey! HEY! C'mon, you've got to admit this whole movie
is a Star Wars ripoff anyway.(VOICES dwindle down to Gears complaining.)
ANNOUNCER: (voiceover) Ha! Thought so. Anyway, on with the movie.
[Scene: UNICRON appears from red space from a blue sun, then zooms past
camera and towards a planet. An Insecticon drifts aimlessly in past the
camera right after this.][Exterior: Planet's surface. A sign reads: "Welcome to Canada, eh!" A
smaller sign under it reads: "You might as well be on another planet."
Camera pans back to reveal various CANADIANS mulling around.]CANADIAN 1: What to do today?
CANADIAN 2: Um...
CANADIAN 1: Oh well. Guess we'll do the same thing we do ever other day.
CANADIAN 2: What's that, eh?
CANADIAN 1: Freeze.[Something really big appears in the sky above.]
CANADIAN 3: Hey, look! It's a really big thing in the sky!
[CANADIANS look up.]
CANADIAN 1: It's a moose!
CANADIAN 2: It's an igloo!
CANADIAN 3: It's our tax rates!
KRANNIX: NO! It's WORSE!
CANADIANS: IT'S THE DEATH STAR!!
KRANNIX: What?! No, it's UNICRON![CANADIANS give KRANNIX odd looks.]
CANADIAN 4: Unicron? Who the hell is Unicron?
KRANNIX: UNICRON! The destroyer of all in its path! The eater of worlds!
The scourge of the Universe![CANADIANS look up into the sky again.]
CANADIAN 3: Nah, that's the Death Star.
KRANNIX: Okay, fine, whatever! Hurry! We must flee!
CANADIAN 2: FLEE?
CANADIAN 5: Are you kidding?!
CANADIAN 3: This is, like, the only interesting thing that's ever happened
in the planet's entire history, eh!
CANADIAN 1: I'm not gonna miss THIS!
CANADIAN 4: Ooo, it just ate Vancouver, eh!
KRANNIX: Gah! Take off, you hosers! I'm outta here![KRANNIX hops a ship and flies away. The planet Canada gets eaten very
enthusiastically.][Exterior: The movie title appears, with theme song. Incidentally, the
theme song is somebody singing John Williams' Star Wars Overture using
the word 'Transformers' over and over again.]STAN BUSH: Trans-for-mers traans, form, Trans-form-ers TRAAAANSFORM,
Trans-for-mers TRAAAANSFORM, Trans-form-er-errrrs![Exterior: Orbit of Cybertron betwixt the planet and Moon Base 1.]
ANNOUNCER: (voiceover) The year is 2005. The Decepticons have conquered the
Autobots' home planet of Cybertron. But more importantly, many
of the characters you know and like will be offhandedly killed or
just not even shown. I thought it best to warn you all now.[Scene: LASERBEAK flies up from Cybertron, down to the Moon Base.]
ANNOUNCER: (voiceover) Oh, and don't worry what this place is. It won't
survive the movie.[LASERBEAK drops onto a windowsill. Inside, a female form is silhouetted
in a small room obscured by steam and running water. He starts recording.]LASERBEAK: (lecherous squawk)
FEMALE VOICE: Eh? HEY!!![LASERBEAK flies away as several laser shots come zipping through the
window. He arcs up and lands on the curiously glass-domed roof of the
Autobot command center.]IRONHIDE: Ah, Prahme, win y'all gonnuh wrahck ahp sum Decepticreeps?
OPTIMUS PRIME: Huh? Ironhide, I didn't understand a single word you said.
CLIFFJUMPER: That's okay, Optimus, I understand Southern. He says he wants
to go shoot at some Decepticons.
OPTIMUS PRIME: (looks at Ironhide) Well, just walk outside and start shooting
up. Cybertron's full of them, you know.
CLIFFJUMPER: I think he meant an offensive. You know, military stuff.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Oh. Well, that's not important right now.[OPTIMUS PRIME grabs a post-it note off of a refridgerator nestled in
between various very technical-looking computer thingies.]OPTIMUS PRIME: (hands note to Ironhide) Here, I want you to run to the
Autobot City Super K-Mart and pick up some milk, today's
newspaper, and 1100 dozen energon cubes. Take Shuttle 4, it's
all ready for launch.
IRONHIDE: Bit ah dun't wahnna tahke th' blahsted Pentuh!
OPTIMUS PRIME: What?
CLIFFJUMPER: He said he doesn't want to take the Pinto.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Sorry, but the Yugo's in the shop and Sideswipe is off
joyriding in the Delorean again. Oh, and take Ratchet along,
too.
IRONHIDE: Whah Rahtchit?
OPTIMUS PRIME: Eh?
CLIFFJUMPER: Why Ratchet?
OPTIMUS PRIME: Oh. Well, I called 1-900-PSYCHIC and my reader had a very
strong feeling that completely reaffirms my self-pictured
immortality. Medics are expendible now. I won't need one
ever again.[IRONHIDE leaves with the note. OPTIMUS PRIME goes back to the fridge and
grabs a bottle of Snapple.]OPTIMUS PRIME: (addressing viewscreen) Jazz, how's the base security going?
JAZZ: Hah! Ever sice we put that window into Elita-One's shower, we haven't
needed to worry about spies goin' anywhere else on the moon!
OPTIMUS PRIME: (drops Snapple on Cliffjumper's head) WHAT?!
JAZZ: Erg. I thought Red Alert cleared that with you.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Cliffjumper, get Red Alert in here NOW!
CLIFFJUMPER: (wiping off Snapple and bits of broken glass) Sorry, Optimus,
Red's not appearing in this film.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Great, now I'll have to wait until after "Dark Awakening" to
get my hands on him.
JAZZ: Sorry about that, Prime.
OPTIMUS PRIME: I was wondering why Red was suddenly so popular in the rec
room.[JAZZ shrugs apologetically, and disappears from the viewscreen.]
CLIFFJUMPER: Incoming transmission from Moon Base 2, Optimus.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Oh, no.[SPIKE WITWICKY appears on the viewscreen, smiling earnestly.]
SPIKE: Hi Optimus!
OPTIMUS PRIME: What the hell do YOU want?
SPIKE: Well, aren't you going to ask us how we are up here?
OPTIMUS PRIME: NO! Why do you think we stuck you and Bumblebee up there
with only a million pounds of explosives and a detonator,
anyway?
SPIKE: To watch out for Decepticon activity!
OPTIMUS PRIME: WRONG! You're up there because nobody can stand to be around
either one of you! We already knew Bumblebee was a feeb, but
you... my God, you went from an annoying kid to an even more
more annoying adult! I didn't think that was possible, but it
happened anyway!
SPIKE: Well, um, could you tell my son...
OPTIMUS PRIME: That's ANOTHER reason you're up there! To stop you from
BREEDING! We don't want any more of your DNA polluting the
gene pool! Especially around us! As for your son, we don't
want anything to do with him that doesn't involve shooting
him! Now GO AWAY!
SPIKE: Uh, okay, Optimus. Bye bye![SPIKE smiles, waves happily, and disconnects. OPTIMUS PRIME starts beating
his head into a wall.]OPTIMUS PRIME: I swear I'll turn that moron into a hood ornament someday.
How soon until Moon Base 2 drifts over the weapons testing
range again?
CLIFFJUMPER: It'll be a couple astrocycles, Prime.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Damn. Oh well, start the countdown.[The PINTO appears on the viewscreen.]
CLIFFJUMPER: 3, 2, 1, contact!
PINTO: rrRRrrRRrrRRrr... [It doesn't start.]
PROWL: (voiceover) Prime, the Pinto's battery is dead.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Sheesh. I'll bring some jumper cables over.[OPTIMUS PRIME walks out with jumper cables. As he leaves, an Insecticon
is noticable manning one of the control panels in the background.
Meanwhile, LASERBEAK flies up and back to Darkmount.][Scene: Darkmount control center. SOUNDWAVE is on the telephone.]
SOUNDWAVE: Thank you for calling 1-900-PSYCHIC.
SHOCKWAVE: Laserbeak returns, Megatron!
MEGATRON: Excellent! Soundwave! Put that silly moneymaking scheme of ours
away and play our newest Elita-One skinflick.
STARSCREAM: YEAH![SOUNDWAVE and LASERBEAK transform, and plug into a monitor.]
STARSCREAM: Ooo.
MEGATRON: Wow.
SOUNDWAVE: Hubba hubba.
SHOCKWAVE: How illogical. Not to mention distasteful.
MEGATRON: Oh, shut up, Shockwave.
STARSCREAM: I'm surprised Leonard Nimoy isn't doing YOUR voice too.[Image on the monitor suddenly shifts into the Autobot control center.]
MEGS & STAR: HEY!!!
SHOCKWAVE: Why, it's the Autobot control center! This information could be
invaluable to us!
MEGS & STAR: BRING ELITA BACK!!!
SHOCKWAVE: But listen! They're sending out a shuttle that we can easily
ambush, then pilot to Earth past their defenses and crush their
city![MEGATRON and STARSCREAM look at SHOCKWAVE, look at each other, then turn
to look at SOUNDWAVE.]STARSCREAM: Well?
MEGATRON: Where's Elita?
SOUNDWAVE: Status undetermined. Working.
SHOCKWAVE: Sigh.
SOUNDWAVE: Operation unsuccessful.
MEGATRON: Grr! This makes me so mad I could just go destroy Autobot City
and kill all its defenders. Anybody got any ideas how?
SHOCKWAVE: (covers optic with his hand) Oy.
STARSCREAM: Maybe we could watch one of the older videos instead.
MEGATRON: (brightening) Yeah!
SOUNDWAVE: Action impossible.
STARSCREAM: What?
MEGATRON: Why not?!
SOUNDWAVE: Swindle sold the videos.
STARSCREAM: WHAT?
MEGATRON: Shockwave, get Swindle in here NOW!
SHOCKWAVE: Swindle is not appearing in this film.
SOUNDWAVE: My apologies, Megatron.
MEGATRON: Great, now I'll never get my hands on him.
STARSCREAM: What a shame.
MEGATRON: I was wondering why Swindle was suddenly so popular in the rec
room.
SOUNDWAVE: I'll go bring the shuttle around.[Exterior: On board the Shuttle Pinto, somewhere in space.]
PROWL: The hazard lights turned themselves on again.
IRONHIDE: Maybeh we shid cawl ah toe trahck.
PROWL: Huh?
BRAWN: He said, in May beechwood walls could go buck.
PROWL: Huh?!?
BRAWN: Er, sorry. I don't know Southern as well as Cliffjumper.
PINTO: (from speakers) I don't wanna work, I just want to bang on dee drum
all day...
RATCHET: At least the CD player still works.
PROWL: Whoopee. No matter what I put into it, it only plays songs from
"ESPN Jock Rock".
IRONHIDE: (alarmed) Prahwl! Th' cawns ahre cahmin'!
PROWL: What? Huh? Brawn, what's he saying?
BRAWN: Uh, don't squeeze the Charmin?
IRONHIDE: Th'! Cawns! Ahre! Cahmin'!
BRAWN: The clowns are jamming?[BOOM! Decepticons suddenly start traipsing into the shuttle.]
MEGATRON: Decepticons, make these Autobots NOT have a nice day!
RATCHET: Ironhide! The 'cons are coming!
IRONHIDE: Groan.
RATCHET: Huh?
BRAWN: Decepticons!
STARSCREAM: Autobots!
BRAWN: Decepticons!
STARSCREAM: Autobots!
BRAWN: Decepticons!
STARSCREAM: Autobots![THUNDERCRACKER smacks STARSCREAM.]
MEGATRON: Die! Please! [transforms into gun mode]
BRAWN: Boy, he's got a weird transformation sequence... ACK! [dies]
MEGATRON: Thank you!
IRONHIDE: DECEPTICONS!
STARSCREAM: AUTOBOTS!
PROWL: Eh? Did he say 'Decepticons'?
IRONHIDE: DECEPTICONS!
STARSCREAM: AUTOBOTS!
PROWL: Hey! He said 'Decepticons'! And I UNDERSTOOD him... ARGH! [dies]
IRONHIDE: DECEPTICONS!
STARSCREAM: AUTOBOTS![THUNDERCRACKER smacks STARSCREAM again. SKYWARP shoots IRONHIDE.]
IRONHIDE: AHHG! [falls]
LONG HAUL: Huh?
RAMJET: What'd he say?
RATCHET: (getting out tools) Here, Prowl, lemme fix you up.. AAIEE! [dies]
STARSCREAM: Well, that was easy.[MEGATRON pulls out a post-it note from IRONHIDE's lifeless hand, tossing
it out the window with a cruel laugh.]IRONHIDE: Noooo...
MEGATRON: Huh?
IRONHIDE: Noooo...
MEGATRON: Look, I can't understand you with that stupid drawl of yours.
IRONHIDE: AH SAID NO!
MEGATRON: No?
IRONHIDE: Yes!
MEGATRON: Yes?
IRONHIDE: No!
MEGATRON: What?
IRONHIDE: Noooo!
MEGATRON: Arrgh! Just shut up, you annoying redneck. [BLAMMO!]
STARSCREAM: (looks down) Nice one. You just blew out the power steering.
MEGATRON: Oh, do be quiet. I'm having a bad enough day as it is.[Exterior: Earth. The old fishin' hole.]
DANIEL: Hey, Luke, how's the fishing?
HOT ROD: For the last time. My name's HOT ROD, not Luke.
DANIEL: I miss my dad.
HOT ROD: Well, you're unique in that respect.
DANIEL: This is boring.
HOT ROD: Hey! I caught something.
DANIEL: Is it a fish?
HOT ROD: (reels in) Hmm. Oops, it's Seaspray.
SEASPRAY: Lemme go!
DANIEL: Eh, too small. Throw him back.
HOT ROD: Okey.
SEASPRAY: Yaaah! [splash]
HOT ROD: HEY! I know -- let's go to Lookout Mountain!
DANIEL: Okay. Might as well advance what amounts for a plot in this flick.[HOT ROD transforms and they drive off.]
[Scene: At the barricade. Camera faces an open box marked 'ACME', then
pans to an invoice reading "1 Rope, 1 ACME Rock Catapult", then pans to
HUFFER and KUP grinning over some blueprints labeled in places "Hot Rod
enters here", "Kup pulls rope here", "Acme Rock Catapult here", "Path of
rock", and "Squished Hot Rod".][HOT ROD vrooms in. KUP grins and pulls the rope, causing the catapult to
bwooiingg a rock up up up into the sky and down down down onto HUFFER's
head.]HUFFER: (meekly holds up umbrella, gets crushed flat)
HOT ROD: Meep meep! Pthblblblblbt. [drives off]
KUP: Drat.[Scene: Top of Lookout Mountain. A little platform and a telescope.]
DANIEL: (gets out) Say, how come an Autobot with your stats has the time
to goof off all day with me?
HOT ROD: (transforms) I drew the short straw.
DANIEL: Well, here we are. There's the shuttle! Ooo, I gotta look at it.[DANIEL swivels the telescope towards the ground.]
HOT ROD: What? HEY! You're pointing that at the local nudist colony!
DANIEL: Oh yeah. Sorry, forgot. [points back up to shuttle]
HOT ROD: Right.
DANIEL: Hey, there's a big hole in the side of the shuttle.
HOT ROD: [activates zoom sight] That doesn't surprise me. It's the Pinto.
DANIEL: But Starscream's standing on the other side of it!
HOT ROD: Now THAT'S surprising. Why isn't he getting sucked out of the
shuttle by the air flow?
DANIEL: What are we going to do?!
HOT ROD: Well, I'm going to start shooting at them. Maybe they'll miss me
and hit you.[HOT ROD starts shooting and blasts through the shuttle in several places.]
STARSCREAM: We've been found out!
MEGATRON: [watches a shot go right through the shuttle] What is this thing
made out of, anyway?
MIXMASTER: As far as I can tell... hmm, construction paper.
DIRGE: That explains a lot.
MEGATRON: Aha. Anyway, Decepticons, ATTACK!!!
SCAVENGER: Attack what?
MEGATRON: Look, bub, just do it, okay?[Scene: the roadblock again. KUP and HOUND watch a spirited firefight open
up between HOT ROD and the Pinto.]KUP: Dammit, the kid's off shooting at the shuttles again.
HOUND: About time they fired back.End, Part 1.
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|Send all to brents@bgnet.bgsu.edu|
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